Monday, June 28, 2010

Don't Regurgitate - Compensate!

Sometime last week, after I ate a small tower of oreos and drank a long cool glass of la leche, I hit myself on the forehead in disgust.

After I peeled the crushed oreo imbedded in sweet lardy goodness off my forehead that I had inadvertently stuck there with my self punishing hand smack, I said to myself while I ate it...

Me:  This just won't do.  Sweet oreo lard is extremely bad for your complexion, and besides, you are a good person who should be able to eat oreos without self flagellation.

Me:  I should?

Me:  Darn tootin'.

Me:  Well, what can we do about all the fat and calories?

Me:  For one thing, we're going to quit talking to ourselves and work this out in the laboratory.

Me:  Can I bring the oreos?

Me:  Sure:

And so, dear readers, after a day and a night and a day of testing, a 200 pack of latex gloves, a close call with an explosion  of purple smoke and complaints from the neighbors, I present to you:

Diet Equalizers

This is the deal.  

When you eat something naughty that you will be wearing on your thighs within 24 hours, consult the following equalizer list and counteract your indulgence with sensible compensating behavior.

 NAUGHTY FOOD                               ANTIDOTE

1/2 package Oreos                                One large bunch
                                                                of well chewed celery

Chimichanga w/guacamole                   9 orange habanero
                                                                 chili peppers to speed
                                                                 metabolism into turbo

State fair funnel cake                             1 ride on the tilt-a-hurl

Extra large movie popcorn                    158 involuntary muscle
                                                                  contractions while
                                                                  watching Karate Kid

Cheeseburger and fries                          3 large charcoal briquets
                                                                  with grease absorbent

Top layer of 1 lb. box                              3 lbs. of pulverized
of Sees Nuts and Chews                           peanut shells to 
                                                                   serve as roughage
                                                                   transfer substance

My laboratory is open for further experimentation.  What do you need an antidote for?                                           



Niki said...

10 for 10 sale on Little Debbie Snacks!!

Susan Anderson said...

Um. How about half a box of diet ice cream sandwiches...

(Sort of defeats the purpose, doesn't it?)

Holly said...

12 Mini chocolate covered doughnuts with a large diet coke.

Unknown said...

Niki: l package Little Debbies Snacks = watching 4 hours of a golf tournament on ESPN. (Extreme Boredom does burn calories!)

Sue: 1/2 box diet Ice cream sandwiches = 1/2 way around the block chewing gum vigourously.

Holly: 12 mini chocolate covered doughnuts are automatically cancelled out by the large diet coke. If a medium diet coke is consumed then add 15 minutes of contemplation about the politician you love to loathe. (Remember to hydrate after the steam comes out of your ears)

Anonymous said...

Stale vending machine snacks.

Taco Hell's Cheesy Bean & Rice burrito.

A bowl of melted cheese.

Pondside said...

I came over because I thought I was a follower, and I hadn't had a little 'she posted' reminder...and here were all these recent posts! I'm going to hit the 'follow' button again and hope for better luck!

Unknown said...

stale vending machine snacks = 3 hours reading old issues of "O" magazine while waiting for annual pap smear at gynecologist.

Taco Hell cheese bean burrito = 1 hour of watching SYTYCD on salsa day whilst thinking about Antonio Banderes being your Spanish tutor.

A bowl of melted cheese = 24 hours of a potent stomach virus (available in the public bathroom at Walmart)

Allyson & Jere said...

Well thank you SO MUCH for doing all this ground work. This new knowledge is invaluable to me! I shall implement it immediately. Hope it works!