Saturday, November 7, 2009

I Have a Dream (Interpretation)

Oh how the email has piled up. It took three hours today just to send polite thank you notes to all the nice folks in Nigeria that want to give me their inheritance. It is amazing how generous people from other countries are. I have never once received an offer from my greedy fellow countrymen in the good ol’ U.S. of A offering me 690 million dollars if I will provide my bank account number so they can deposit said monies forthwith.

Another email was a sincere cry for help from a young man I’ll identify by the pseudonym “Thaddeus”. Thaddeus has been available as a pseudonym since 1953 when it became the sort of name that will get you laughed right out of all day kindergarten

Young “Thaddeus” writes:

My fifth grade teacher Ms. Hernandez-Blumberg-Yamashita told me that she reads your blog and that you can figure out what my dream means. (Please don’t tell anyone.)

I am standing on the stage in the spelling bee finals and suddenly my eyebrows catch on fire and Kenady, the prettiest girl in our class, starts laughing like crazy. The principal won’t let me put the fire out until I spell the word right and then my clothes catch on fire and burn off and I am wearing nothing but Barbie underwear.

Oh Thad…may I call you Thad? I am so glad that your dear teacher gently directed you to turn to me for help because you are obviously a very troubled young man.

Firstly, the setting of your dream is very telling. No fifth grade boy in his right mind would ever allow himself to be in the finals of a spelling bee unless he is home schooled or has immigrant parents from India. You are permitting those in authority to push you into a stressful academic situation when you obviously should be out on the playground bullying the other children. I venture to say that you:

1. have an excessively large noggin                            

2. have never let a green vegetable pass your lips

3. shave your chest during afternoon recess

Your place young man is not in academia, but in sports.

Pretty girl Kenady’s laughter is actually encouragement to pursue a life of physical development. In our troubled economic times, there is no profession more needed than personal trainer/bodyguard. Your dream is telling you to quit wasting time in grade school and drop out. Get to the gym you silly boy! Use your lunch money to buy something useful like protein powder and start bulking up.

The Barbie underwear is symbolic of the emasculating effect that further education will have on your tender psyche. Get out before permanent damage is done!

It feels so good to help the younger generation for they are truly our future!

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