Thursday, December 1, 2011

Squashing Cancer

Larainy is so fond of her dear female readers, that she feels called upon to save your life by reminding you of certain preventative health procedures, that although unpleasant, will at the very least make you feel self righteous.  So, once again let me take you by the metaphorical hand and lead you through a 
mammogram



Remember the princess?  She is the one who likes to putter about among the flowers of her garden, mulching, dead heading the roses and squashing snails with a smart crack from the toe of her dainty boots.  One bright autumn day, after dispatching a goodly number of snails, she was scraping the goo off her Manolo Blahnik's when she looked up and saw the wise old man.  She knew he was wise because he was wearing a heavy gold chain about his wizened neck, and we all know that gold has proven to be a very wise investment indeed.

The wise old man squinted at the pretty princess, unable to see her clearly because of the gnarled tangle of overgrown eyebrows obscuring his vision.  "Come here my dear" he said, waggling his prodigious brows, "For I have something important to tell you."

"Oh no" said the princess.  "Not the magic powder again!  I was sitting on the throne for an eternity."

The wise old man slapped his knee and cackled with unsympathetic delight.  "No, no my child.  This is another adventure entirely.  Now listen closely and follow my instructions with care.

The lovely princess swallowed nervously and sighed.  "Very well."

"First of all" the wise old man said, "You must take a wet clump of moss and scrub off all the fine French deodorant you are wearing in your armpits."

The princess looked puzzled, but nodded her acquiescence.

"Next" he continued, you must search until you find Helga.

"How will I know her?" asked the princess.

"By her large hands and forearms, and the tight bun she wears that pulls her face into a tight mask of exemplary stoicism.  Oh, and she will be wearing pink scrubs."

The princess nodded uncertainly.  She had never trusted women with tight buns.  "What will Helga do to me?"

The old man pulled at his grey beard and continued.  "That, my dear is a mystery that men like me cannot fathom.  But I do know it involves..." and here he paused and coughed delicately, "compression of the love pillows."

And so it was that the princess bravely set off to find Helga, who did indeed compress, depress, constrict and wring the poor Princess' love pillows every which way to Sunday.  But the Princess endured it with regal grace and then went and drank a milkshake.




12 comments:

Holly said...

Love pillows...now that's funny, I don't care who you are!

jen said...

Just had my first mammo in October and I can tell you this: I've nursed babies that are rougher than that test. What does that say about my babies? Don't wanna know.

Pondside said...

Every year - but I've never thought of a milkshake reward afterwards - it would be waaaay cheaper than the reward of a visit to the shoe store.

Sue said...

Again, you shine!

(Sorry to say I'm almost for the love pilow squashfest again myself.)

*sigh*

"/

Catherine and clan (aka catnz) said...

Thanks for the reminder. I am a follower of Jen's blog who lives in New Zealand. I have four children, am about to turn 43 and discovered a lump in July. In August I had a mastectomy, in September I started chemo and now in December I am about to have 5 weeks of radio therapy. After that I will be put in to early menopause as I will take tamoxifen for 5 years. I will also make the decision about reconstruction - at this stage I'm leaning towards yes, as the granny bras to hold the prosthesis don't appeal for the rest of my life! It has been a difficult journey and one I would not wish upon anyone.

Since my discovery two more women I know have also embarked on the same journey. Hopefully posts like this can help others. Catherine

Connie said...

Wow after reading the previous comment I must be diligent about getting my mammogram appointment made.

I did love the little fairy tale, especially the part about mossing out the underarms.

karen said...

Sadly, my love pillows are also due for a squishing. After the holidays. Not now. And then I'm going to have a milkshake too.

Lisa Ricard Claro said...

Love pillows! LOL I'm glad I'm not due for a trip to Helga until February. I think it's time for the milkshake now, though. :)

Dixie Mom said...

Ha! If I had been drinking a shake right now...it would have come out through my nose. :)

The Bipolar Diva said...

oh gosh, I haven't been in years! I guess I should, uh, start to think about thinking about it. sigh.

Cherie said...

My love pillows are going to be squished in January - Can't wait! It is so much better than the Colonoscopy :-D

MTeacress said...

Those mammos are very uncomfortable...


*nurse almost done with last photo*
Me:I feel as though I might pass out?
Nurse: *looks alarmed* Did you eat this morning?
Me: No, I didn't. Why?
Nurse: *grabbing me by the elbow and covering me up* It happens every time!
Me: Really? *about to barf*
Nurse: Yes! *places me on a couch* Here, drink this.
Me: *ah, cold water*
Nurse: *pointing, still looking worried* There's the trash can if you need it...

Luckily I recovered, but BARELY.