Wednesday, March 23, 2011

A Fairytail

One of the exciting things about growing older is the chance to make the acquaintance of doctors that specialize in hitherto unacknowledged body parts. 

Admit it. You have been lackadaisical about the preventative health of your bum haven't you? You are a vain and feckless creature whose greatest concern about your bum is how big it looks in your jeans.

As a public service, Larainy is going lead you gently by the metaphorical hand through a  
screening colonoscopy.

Once there was a princess both beautiful and kind who went about her days spreading sunshine and eating whole grains. One day, while picking flowers in her garden, she met a wise old man. The princess knew the old man was wise because his face was wrinkled in a pattern that denotes cleverness. 

Never one to pass up an opportunity for learning, the princess asked the wise old man what advice he had to give that would help her live a long and regular life . The wise old man removed his pointed hat and scratched his bald head with a gnarled finger. “Come here” he said, and he put in her hand a bag of fine white sand. “Mix this magic powder in a large cauldron of water and drink it glass by glass until every drop is gone.

“What will happen?” asked the curious princess.

“Time will tell” he said “but for heaven’s sake, don’t leave the castle. You will know the magic is working when you feel as light as a feather and as empty as a broken jug.”

The next day, the princess, once again met the wise old man in the garden.  "I see by your milky white pallor that you have emptied the cauldron" he said.  The princess nodded weakly.  "Now go lie on  under yon tree on that bed of grass and wait for the magic to put you to sleep."

The princess obeyed and as she slept soundly, an elf waved a magic wand  and discovered all her hidden and potentially damaging secrets.  When she woke up she was back in her castle and she had lost three pounds.



The Bipolar Diva said...

LOVED this!

just call me jo said...

I'm totally in denial about colonoscopies. "No thanks--NO!" I just can't. I know not why.

Sue said...

Interesting...This story sounds vaguely familiar. Could it be your princess and I have met the same sage in our respective gardens?


Anna M said...

I need to get some of that sand. Three whole pounds? wow

jen said...

Only you can tackle colonoscopy.

Holly said...

Oh, the memories! Had my colonoscopy about a year ago. Did you use Movi-prep?? That's just a plethora of good fun. I didn't have them put me out though because I wanted to know what was going on. Now I know. Good times.

The Eddington Family said...

This should be a children's book.

Laurel said...

Hope you weren't loopy for days after. I think it must be date/rape drug that they give you.

Thanks for making it seem charming which it most certainly is NOT!

Dixie Mom said...

Sounds like the stuff that made you sleep made you hallucinate too! :)
Good job...did you get the "all clear?" :)

Connie said...

I still want to crawl into your brain and see how it works.

You have a way of actually making a colonoscopy seem not quite so bad. When I had mine it was definitely NOT a fairy tale. Well the drugs they gave me made me not give a hoot who was in the room with my caboose exposed. The magical potion beforehand...that's a whole other story.

Melynda said...

It is not the scope that is the problem it is getting ready for the scope! The direction for my "event" were 3 pages, including Q&A. My favorite was:

Q. What if it feels like I will throw up drinking all this preparation liquid?
A. Wait 5 minutes and keep drinking.

Whew, I was not awake, but I have the photos to prove I was the star!

Lisa Ricard Claro said...

This story has all the elements of a Disney hit. Will they animate or do live action? This is so high concept! The possibilities for casting are endless! :)

karen said...

Ah YEEAHH! Had your colonoscopy, did you? On of these days I'll get one too. Not yet.

Marti said...

Your princess got off easy, or you left off part of the story - like the hours she was trapped in the torture chamber by Vincent Price.

Michelle Teacress said...

I've been trying (not very hard) to get back down into the 140's but I don't want to try this method. ;)

Cherie said...

Thanks for directing me to this post - You are hilarious as always!
Good to laugh about this :-D