Friday, March 4, 2011

Look to the Stars

My dear readers, how I have neglected my responsibility to help you navigate the murky canals of your crazy lives while hysterically paddling your leaking canvas kayaks.  


Here, to help you straighten out the mess you are making of your life, is Madame Larainy's personally charted horrorscope (obtained by lying on my back in the grass with the dog licking my face whilst looking at the stars through my Fisher Price binoculars).

Aries (the wind)
Resist the strong urge to run away because if you act on it, you will  run out of gas in a forgotten little town shaded by trees hung with moss where everyone wears overalls and plays the banjo.  The price you will have to pay to leave will make $4/gallon seem like chicken feed

Taurus (the car)
Your obsession with feng shuing your work space will get you fired today.  Back down in your feud with the office manager who won't let you work on your yoga mat.  There are unemployed sharks ready to swim into your spot.

Gemini (the spaceship)
It is wise to rethink your impulsive plan to get a tattoo of Justin Beiber on your ankle.  It will not improve the troubled relationship you have with your preteen daughter.

Cancer (the tropic)
Be careful when grating cheese today.  The stars predict a bloodbath.

Leo (Tolstoy)
Listen to your inner voice and you will be in the right place at the right time to witness a flash mob performance today that will change the direction of your life.  (Hint, look for a location that contains a convergence of Old Navy and Chick-Fil-A)


Virgo (the dizzy)
Stay in bed and pull the covers over your head.  If you are already out of bed, put on a hoodie, dark sunglasses and don't speak unless someone has a warrant.

Libra (the book)
Offering a friendly "hello" to the next stranger you meet will either result in all your wildest dreams coming true or a stalker that will haunt you for the next thirty years.  There is also a slight possibility that nothing will happen.

Scorpio (the pest)
Your lucky number is 1,000,000.  If you have this number of dollars in a CD earning 12% you are lucky indeed.  An even luckier number would be 2,000,000.


Sagittarius (the droopy)
Reschedule the bra fitting at Nordstrom!  The so called "expert" who will potentially be sharing your dressing room is an imposter who has Miss Platzenfinkle, the real bosom-holster expert, tied up in the cold fur storage closet.
image found here

Capricorn (the vegetable)
Don't be fooled by the email received in your inbox today.  The deposed King of Nigeria is not named "Larry".

Aquarius (the fish tank)
Consume all the carbohydrates you can today.  Don't ask why.  Do it.

Pisces (the formula)
Listen to you generous impulses.  Don't act on them, just listen to them because, hey, you wouldn't want you to sprain something.


Pondside said...

Thank you, thank you....and here I was, prepared to take the day off....but thanks to your prediction about my boss's unhappiness with the my cubicle space (and I thought everyone appreciated the bubbler, the incense and the whale sounds DVD!)I am going in to the office to defend my right to express myself through feng shui.
I'm in your debt.

I'm Cindy said...

OMG!! I'm "The Droopy"

just call me jo said...

"A flash mob performance..."? Chick Hicks, huh? Oh, convergence...I'll get it yet!

Nicole... given said...

seriously how can i be the fish tank one and the vegetable the next!

Sue said...

Check, Bieber tattoo canceled!


Sarah said...

Phew, good thing I read this before I did anything rash!

Holly said...

I want to be an Aquarius! I'm a Libra and that stalker thing is true! I had a dream last night that Charlie Sheen kidnapped me and the only way I could get away was by biting his jugular since my hands were tied behind my back. I remember thinking that I was sure to get AIDS. That is completely true. My life is weird.

Bev said...

While all of this is very interesting, all we are clamoring to know is your opinion of Charlie Sheen. We want to know if we can trust every "entertainment" news' information on the topic. Please enlighten us.

Connie said...

Uh Oh, I messed up, I am a scorpian and I read the Aquarius horrorscope, thinking it was mine. I have stuffed myself with carbs all day...what do you suppose will happen????

Such a dilema.

Oregon Gifts of Comfort and Joy said...

Well, once I was married to a spaceship Gemini for 12 years (it was not a pretty picture, but you aptly named him) ...

One of BFF is an Aries in the middle of running away ... I'll tell her what you said.

I am a Libra, and am hoping strongly that nothing will happen.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Lisa Ricard Claro said...

I'm a Libra, but I covet the Aquarius horrorscope. All the carbs I want? All day? Why, oh, why couldn't that one be mine??

Sam and Melissa said...

The king of Nigeria one is the best :) While currently looking for a car on Craigslist, I am amazed at how many people here in Hawaii are trying to sell cars from Nigeria. What a business savvy country!!!

joanne fox said...

Oh I do enjoy your horrorscopes, thanks!

Michelle Teacress said...

I'm a Virgo, and following your advice today - better late than never. ;)