Here, to help you straighten out the mess you are making of your life, is Madame Larainy's personally charted horrorscope (obtained by lying on my back in the grass with the dog licking my face whilst looking at the stars through my Fisher Price binoculars).
Aries (the wind)
Resist the strong urge to run away because if you act on it, you will run out of gas in a forgotten little town shaded by trees hung with moss where everyone wears overalls and plays the banjo. The price you will have to pay to leave will make $4/gallon seem like chicken feed
Taurus (the car)
Your obsession with feng shuing your work space will get you fired today. Back down in your feud with the office manager who won't let you work on your yoga mat. There are unemployed sharks ready to swim into your spot.
Gemini (the spaceship)
It is wise to rethink your impulsive plan to get a tattoo of Justin Beiber on your ankle. It will not improve the troubled relationship you have with your preteen daughter.
Cancer (the tropic)
Be careful when grating cheese today. The stars predict a bloodbath.
Listen to your inner voice and you will be in the right place at the right time to witness a flash mob performance today that will change the direction of your life. (Hint, look for a location that contains a convergence of Old Navy and Chick-Fil-A)
Virgo (the dizzy)
Stay in bed and pull the covers over your head. If you are already out of bed, put on a hoodie, dark sunglasses and don't speak unless someone has a warrant.
Libra (the book)
Offering a friendly "hello" to the next stranger you meet will either result in all your wildest dreams coming true or a stalker that will haunt you for the next thirty years. There is also a slight possibility that nothing will happen.
Scorpio (the pest)
Your lucky number is 1,000,000. If you have this number of dollars in a CD earning 12% you are lucky indeed. An even luckier number would be 2,000,000.
Sagittarius (the droopy)
Reschedule the bra fitting at Nordstrom! The so called "expert" who will potentially be sharing your dressing room is an imposter who has Miss Platzenfinkle, the real bosom-holster expert, tied up in the cold fur storage closet.
image found here
Capricorn (the vegetable)
Don't be fooled by the email received in your inbox today. The deposed King of Nigeria is not named "Larry".
Aquarius (the fish tank)
Consume all the carbohydrates you can today. Don't ask why. Do it.
Pisces (the formula)
Listen to you generous impulses. Don't act on them, just listen to them because, hey, you wouldn't want you to sprain something.