Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Communist Commodes

I don’t want to brag, but I have done my share of traveling. I’ll never forget seeing the sunrise over Eloy from Garbage Dump Hill, or the pleasant hours I spent playing “Swing Low Sweet Chariot” on the harmonica in the Yuma penitentiary during July. Not to mention the trip by mule through the dry Salt River Bed chewing on rattlesnake jerky. Yes, I just might be someone you would turn to for travel advice

And I am glad to give it, because I have a generous spirit. If you will indulge me in a bit of philosophy: I believe that when I cast my bread upon the waters, it will become soggy and sink down and a fish will eat it, and then the fish will grow strong and healthy and some little lad will catch it while fishing in an urban lake and will turn to his father with a proud smile and his father will say, “Throw it back Jonny, that’s a stinkin’ carp.” Whew, where was I?

What is the first thing every traveler requires? Bingo, you guessed it…A PLACE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM! On a recent trip to Russia, I took notes on the back of my hand so I could help out unwary Americans like you with regard to Russian toilets.

Now some of you may feel apprehensive because you don’t read Russian. BUT DON’T WORRY! Anyone with a nose can find a Russian toilet. Flare your nostrils, inhale and turn about. When you smell pee, follow the vapor trail and there you go! But actually you can’t go yet because there will be a desk in front of you with a really mean Russian lady who wants 30 rubles. BUT DON’T WORRY! That’s a ruble she wants, not a ruby and rubles are just like Monopoly money only they are worth less. So hand your rubles over to the mean lady and perhaps she might hand you 3 squares of brown cardboard if she is in the mood. Or perhaps she might not. BUT DON’T WORRY because that’s why you have a little pack of nice soft American tissue in your purse. Men…you are out of luck. That’s what you get for making your wife carry all your junk in her purse.

With the smell of urea now making your eyes water, you know you are very very close to the actual toilet. Open the stall door and… Holy Cow, what is that porcelain hole in the ground? My friends, and I’m going to have to get somewhat technical here, that is a Russian squat toilet.

Now, I am not going to give you a play by play on using said facility because I am of a somewhat dainty sensibility. Suffice it to say it includes the use of the quadriceps, hamstrings and those watchyacallit muscles in your bum.

There, you’ve done it. Get out while you’re still able to hold your breath and take the hand sanitizer out of your purse. Men, you are out of luck. YOU SHOULD WORRY NOW, or at least start carrying a purse.

The government in Narva, Estonia honors Lenin by 
allowing him to point the way to the  "Cramos".


Laurel said...

My, you have a little "potty" mouth!

Anna M said...

love the squat toilets.

They do, however, seem more sanitary than our public bowls where many dirty behinds have sat and soiled. (too much?)

Anne said...

Isn't Europe the best! Love the story! :)

Laraine Eddington said...

Leave it to you Anna to find something appealing about a squat toilet. Apparently you can take pee and make lemonade. Oh wait...I can do that too!

laurie said...

That settles it, I will not be going to Russia! I know every toilet in every corner of every place I have ever been and thats not bragging its complaining. Just curious, why does Russian urine smell stronger than their poop? I've just never been in an outhouse type building that didn't reek of poop. As far as travel goes, I recommend a sweet little place called Guadelupe, blink and you'll miss it. Try the bathrooms, it's almost like you are in America.

Dem, Mem and Them said...

Japan baby!

Kim Call said...

So, I'll stay home and use my own toilet....wait, I have 12 kids! ~ I don't have my own toilet!

Rachael Jill said...

Mom. This was the g-rated version for sure.