How to Prevent a Life of Crime

I have an important sociological theory that I think bears looking into. I developed this theory over the years because of personal and painful experience. My hypothesis is this:

A member of the human family, wearing pants/trousers/jeans 
that are undersized

for the relative girth of the abdomen, bum, thighs, and calves of said member of the human family, 

is statistically much more likely to kick his dog, 

use vulgar language, drive off a cliff 

or erupt in a myriad other manifestations of anger.

Fellow Americans across the fruited plain; you should be seriously worried about this. If you see your neighbor wearing a pair of skinny jeans…lock your door. He/she will be over with an axe come nightfall, chopping away and yelling in a crazy voice, “Heeeere’s Johnny!” just like Jack Nicholson in that scary movie with all the snow.


Tight pants make people do crazy things. Oh, it starts out fine in the morning. You take some pants from your younger days out of the back of the closet and think, hey I wonder if these still fit? You shake them out, wriggle in, zip them up, and think to yourself, Wow, these feel a little tight. Oh well, they’ll stretch out as the days goes on. People, this is a serious fallacy in your thinking. Already the blood has been restricted in its path to the brain. Those pants are not going to stretch. Your body is going to stretch inside those pants.


By mid morning you are going to be irritable. By lunch you are going to be grouchy and try to cheer yourself up with a hot fudge sundae from McDonalds. By midafternoon you are going to be giving small children the evil eye and by the time you are driving home from work you are just a bomb ticking away inside your car, waiting for someone to look at you the wrong way…tick, tick, tick.


Why do you think there is so much recidivism amongst our prison population? Someone gets sent to jail, they get to wear comfortable striped baggy pants during the duration of their sentence, make friends in the prison laundry, get out early on parole for good behavior, get out of jail, go to Walmart and buy some tight jeans and Whamo.

Tight jeans=rage=crime=back in the slammer. It is a tragic cycle.

Now go put on some yoga pants and eat a cookie. The whole human race will be better for it.