Dear readers, I know all about the lives you lead, busy lives full of mystery and intrigue, possibly including extended travel to exotic locales while wearing a poncho woven of llama hair and carrying only a worn leather satchel, a battered passport, and an adventurous spirit. Hence, your Christmas shopping is not done and a unholidaylike panic is setting in, probably settling in the area of your neck muscles.
As you know, Larainy is somewhat of an expert when it comes to gift giving. You can go here and here to be reminded of the brilliant suggestions of the past, but today, I offer to you the updated, 2011 green version. These are gifts that you can feel good about, even if no one likes them, because saving the environment is the trump card in today's society. People, we are going to save the environment even if it kills us and only the cockroaches are left to enjoy the last whiffs of green house gas in environment we saved for them.
1. Do you know that our landfills are literally clogged with mounds of old toothbrushes? If used toothbrushes were placed end to end they would reach all the way to Neptune and back except that they would probably melt on reentry into the atmosphere. Why not get rid of all that space junk and give the gift of a nice 12-pack of twigs as an organic tooth cleaning alternative. A pack of twigs and a box of baking soda will have your loved one saying thank you with sweetly scented sawdust flavored breath.
2. Remember all great-grandpa's tender stories about the outhouse and the Sear's catalog? This year, you can recycle those perfumed catalog inserts into handy wipe size toilet-paper alternative gifts.
3. Giving a pet is never a good idea, but when you give a turkey vulture, you are not giving a pet. Oh no, you are giving a multipurpose, multifunctional tool. The gift of a household turkey vulture will provide years of carrion clean-up for your yard and neighborhood. Who wouldn't welcome a hovering presence, sharp eyes in the sky that will instantly gobble up expired wildlife, instead of leaving it to stink up your pretty green lawn.
4. Don't forget gifts that will come in handy during the long hot summer that Al Gore says will start in late February 2012 due to global warming. Why not give your loved ones something that will enable them to unplug the old air conditioner and exercise those droopy upper arms? The combination of a crisply folded paper fan and an occasional mist of organic water from a spray bottle will have your giftees thinking of you fondly and often while sweat drips down their bodies in a naturally cooling experience.
5. Nothing says love like a tub full of teeny tiny carp to nibble away the dead skin of your significant other. Who cares if the health department has banned fish pedicures in your area? No one will ever forget your thoughtful concern for their podiatric health when they are relaxing their feet in a bucket full of tepid water while a hundred little carp lips are working over tired calluses. No need to buy fish food for these little workers, they survive and thrive on your dead skin cells in a wonderfully symbolic circle of life.
Don't forget the reusable hemp wrapping paper!