You’re driving down the road and turn up the volume so you can sing “Mandy” along with Barry Manilow—You came and you gave without takin, and they sent you away, oh Mandy…and you are really feeling it and remembering junior high and you can’t see because your eyes are flooded with tears and you rear end a Schwann’s ice cream truck and the air bag goes off and singes off your eyebrows but saves your life and you get a free ice cream to eat in the ambulance.
You’re walking the dog to Safeway to buy some him some Beano, because you can’t afford any more brain damage and you glance down in the gutter and there among the dried leaves and cigarette butts is a tattered lottery ticket that turns out to be worth fifty bucks which makes you so happy that you start showering and combing your hair and then suddenly you have friends and are able to get a job.
You answer the phone even though caller I.D. says it is Aunt Tesper and you have always hated Aunt Tesper but when you say hello it turns out Aunt Tesper just died of lung cancer but long before she died in an uncharacteristically astute monetary move she invested in Google when it was cheap and since Aunt Tesper is in between spouses you are her sole heir and you inherit her Cadillac full of Google stock certificates and crumpled Marlboro cartons.
You go to your high school reunion and discover you have gained more weight since high school than anyone in your graduating class and suddenly you are more popular than anyone at the whole reunion because everyone is so grateful that you have gained more weight than they have and are making them look gooood…especially when they stand next to you, so you are surrounded by friendly people the whole night.
You’re watching Oprah like usual and suddenly you stand up and yell, “You are not the boss of me” and you save so much money not buying Oprah’s favorite things that you are able to pay off all your credit cards and because you are no longer making those delicious recipes from “O” magazine you lose 50 lbs. and quit pretending that you have a best friend named Gail and you find your own real best friend and develop innovative Oprah shunning techniques which you start blogging about on a site called “60 days to an Oprah-free life” which becomes so wildly popular you get invited to be on “Ellen” but you refuse because you don’t like her either.
So cheer up, it's a new year and anything can happen!