17 hours ago
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Eavesdropping at NBC
As you know, I am a shameless eavesdropper and take copious notes. Although I cannot reveal the circumstances, or my nefarious methods, I know you will be interested in the following exchange. I have changed the name of a popular NBC morning news anchor to protect his identity.
Cob Bostas: (on cell phone) …you too Lindsey, I know, I’m going to miss you too. Don’t forget, we’re going to have a crew there to film your flight home, including your purchase of a Cinnabon at the airport. There will be another crew waiting to film your arrival, documenting the exciting moments when you arrive at your house, check your mail and throw out all the stuff in the refrigerator that has gone bad. Uh, Lindsay, wait a minute, there’s someone invading my personal space here, I’ve gotta go. I know, me too. Kiss kiss.
Asbjorn: Excuse me, are you Cob Bostas?
Cob: Sighing, whipping out sharpie to sign an autograph. To whom shall I dedicate my salutation?
Asbjorn: I don’t want your autograph. I want to know why NBC didn’t say anything about my Olympic accomplishments.
Cob: Arching a neatly plucked eyebrow. And just what did you accomplish?
Asbjorn: I won a gold medal in the Nordic sharp shooting slushy luge combined downhill and another in the Aerial Super G Skeleton Obstacle Course.
Cob: For what country?
Cob: Slowly shaking perfectly coiffed head in exasperation. Let me explain something… what did you say your name was son?
Asbjorn: My name is Asbjorn
Cob: Well Assbeeyorn, first of all you are not an American, nor do you have an American name that I can say with confidence. Secondly, you must not have a compelling story.
Asbjorn: What do you mean? I won two gold medals!
Cob: Snorting at Asbjorn’s naivety Let me enlighten you on a little American network secret. We here at NBC have a criteria that is strictly adhered to. Anyone who gets airtime must be able to answer yes to two or more of the following items:
• Do you compete for America, the land of the brave?
• Do you now have, or have you ever had a terminal illness?
• Is any member of your family likely to die during the Olympics?
• Can you flash a blindingly white toothy grin on demand?
• Do you have any prosthetics or something like a rod of steel instead of a spine…something that will show up well on an X ray?
• Were you plucked from the arms of your nursing mother to train in Colorado Springs?
• Do you have a girlfriend that can triple triple an axel lutz?
Asbjorn: Sullenly kicking at snow bank with Soviet made moonboot. No.
Cob: Well there you go son. You have something to work towards during the next four years. And Assbeeyorn, because I like you, and because I am the kind of cool guy who believes in reaching out in the hand of fellowship to the little people, I’m gonna let you in on another little secret. As far Olympic coverage goes, NBC stands for “Not Before Crying”. We like competitors who cry and we like competitors who make people cry. You got it?
Asbjorn: Thank you Cob. Starts to cry.
Cob: Slapping him on the back as he takes out his cell phone to see if Lindsey Vonn has called. It’s a start son, it’s a start.