When searching through the foggy mist of high school memories, I seem to recall being asked to a few formal dances.
(Black clunky rotary telephone rings from a permanent spot on desk in living room. Bratty little brother races to answer it.)
B. L. brother: Hullo. Uh, yeah, I think so. Who’s this?
Me: (Out of breath from trying to beat B.L. brother to the phone.) Is that for me?
B.L. brother: Ooooo, it’s a boy. A boy is calling. Two little love birds sittin’ in a tree, kay eye es es eye en gee.
(Desperate grab for phone receiver, B.L. brother dodges. Two well placed punches administered to B.L. brother.)
B.L. brother: (Runs off screaming) First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage.
Me. (Shaking back my feathered faux Farrah Fawcettesque bangs) Hello.
Brave young man: Uh, do you want to go to Prom?
Brave young man: Okay, bye.
That was basically it. Asked, answered, done…high school in the dark ages.
Now of course, due to too much time on their hands and the influence of reality television, a young man/woman who is seeking a date to a school dance must go to much greater lengths to prove worthiness and dateability. There must be a high degree of complexity and intrigue.
And so, because of my great affection for the young people of today, I offer some ideas that will allow you to obtain the date of your dreams, which will in turn lead to a prom night of unforgettable romance, or at least that is how it will appear to all your friends which is what the point anyway.
INVITATION INSPIRATION #1
Take your potential date to the zoo and when you get to the chimpanzee cage, have a prearranged chimpanzee throw an unwrapped Baby Ruth candy bar at your potential date. When the Baby Ruth hits her, you can laugh and say, “Hey look, it’s not even poop, it’s just a candy bar with a note asking you to prom.”
INVITATION INSPIRATION #2
Arrange for a friend who is a police officer to kick down your potential date’s front door at 5 a.m. and yell “Drug bust! Everybody down on the floor!" Then when your potential date’s surprised family is lying face down on the tile your police friend can say, “Just kidding, it’s really a “Hug bust” and then you can come in with a bag of egg mcmuffins for the whole family and inside one of the egg mcmuffins will be a note asking your girl to prom. This will also be a good way to get to know her family better.
INVITATION INSPIRATION #3
Send out a text message to everyone you know that you have incurable cancer. Let sympathy build for a couple of days. When your potential date approaches you to give you a compassionate hug, tell her that your oncologist says you will be cured if she will go to the dance with you.
INVITATION INSPIRATION #4
Write, “Will go to prom with me?” in gasoline on her front lawn and then set in on fire. Give her dad a theater size pack of Hot Tamales for being a good sport.
INVITATION INSPIRATION #5
Pour some ipecac into her can of Diet Coke at lunch time. In fifth hour, when she starts to vomit, offer to hold her hair and rub her back. When she feels better give her a sample size bottle of mouthwash that says, “I’ll become bulimic if you don’t go to prom with me.”
Have fun kids, and remember you are making memories to last a lifetime!
3 hours ago