Charging a Head

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Electrical stimulation may boost math skills
by Thomas H. Maugh II - Nov 7, 2010 12:AM
Los Angeles Times

LOS ANGELES - Applying a mild electrical current to a particular part of the brain could improve math abilities in people who suffer impaired skills...

The weak current apparently allows neurons to fire more freely, stimulating the ability the learn, the researchers reported in the journal Current Biology...

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At last, a solution to my M.M.D. (metabolic math deficiency).  Back in the good old days in the womb when my cells were dividing- my math cell went rogue and became a "I love ice cream cell".  As a result I have always been at the bottom of the family mathematics totem pole.  While the children play chess I read.  When a child looks up from an Algebra textbook and I sense a question is forming, I leave on an urgent errand to Walmart.  Fortunately, the children have all inherited the missing math cell from their father, but that makes me the permanent outsider.

Until now...

Thanks to the marvelous new development that I read about yesterday, it looks like my problems are solved.  When I run into a thorny quandary involving numbers, I now possess the formula for success.  See, I'm already speaking arithmetic.  Did you see how I used the word "formula" in a sentence?

Behold how I plan to implement what I am calling my "Math Charger" in everyday life.

SITUATION #1:

Having just consumed a lovely Chicken Mango Salad at Tia Rosa's and confronted with a table full of confused ladies who forgot to ask for separate checks; I will pull a balloon out of my purse, quickly inflate it with puffs of salsa scented breath and tie it off. I will rub it briskly on the top of my head, producing a charge that will enable me to quickly calculate how much we all owe, including tips.  

SITUATION #2

It is happy hour at Sonic...that golden time when magical elixirs are 1/2 the usual price.  As I place my order I realize that I left my wallet at home.  Will I be able to find enough change in the cluttered compartment between the seats?  Before I break out in hives trying to add up a Rte. 44, two medium slushies and a small tater tots and subtract the discount, I quickly hold a 9 volt battery to my tongue for a quick jolt of algorithmic clarity.  Voila, an accurate total and a Diet Coke to get rid of that nasty battery taste.

SITUATION #3:

I am in the ladies dressing room with an armful of pants to try on.  How can I quickly calculate the odds that the only pair of jeans out of the whole bloomin' stack that don't make my fanny look like a denim covered pumpkin are the one pair that are not on sale?  Oh never mind, I don't even have to stick my tongue into the electrical outlet to figure that one out.  

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 Those odds are always 100 to 1.