Monday, April 18, 2011

Mile High Protocol

I just completed a successful flight home.  The roof didn't fly off the plane and the air traffic controllers must have been drinking Red Bull because there was no snoring reported from traffic control.
The good thing about flying Southwest is that they don't make me pay to check my big ol' suitcase  full of emergency Oreos (in case we crash).  

The bad thing about flying Southwest is the stressful process of finding a seat.  There are no seat assignments and I hate the audition when I finally board with my fellow losers in the "C" group . Laser eyes are sizing me up for bladder size, noses are sniffing for offensive body odor, judgments are being made about conversational's like being chosen for the dodge ball team at recess all over again.

And the thing is, I am a model passenger.  Let me share with you some of my friendly flying tips.

  • When you unbuckle at the end of your flight, take your seatbelt to its full extension.  The next passenger will settle in, start to buckle up and have to cinch in a yard of belt. They'll feel wonderful when they realize, Hey, I'm not nearly as big as that last guy.

  • Make helpful notes in the Sky Mall catalogue


Don’t be a doofus.  You do not want to pay $49.95 to teach your cat how to poop in your toilet.

  • Surprise the next occupant of your seat by leaving intriguing messages behind:
 I think you're adorable.  Look for me at baggage claim.  I'll be the one holding the black suitcase with the extendable handle.

  • When you see someone eating one of those enormous Cinnabons, do a quick health assessment and if they look like a candidate for clogged arteries, snatch it away and throw it in the nearest trash bin.  Then give a friendly wink and say "You're going to thank me later."
  • Save some of your peanuts and hide them in little nooks and crannies so the next passenger can have a little protein treasure hunt.
  • When conversation lulls and things get awkward, it is time to softly hum a lullaby   Continue until one of you falls asleep.


Anna M said...

the cinnabons always smell better than they taste.

and I would LOVE to put on the seat belt and have to cinch it up--good call!

Sue said...

We love to fly Southwest, too, and I like it a lot more now that they at least have numbered places for you to get in line, making a B4 infinitely better than a B29. It is kind of a crazy game getting a seat, though, even now.

Love your "charitable" ideas for other passengers.


Holly said...

Next time you fly, please email me your seat assignment so I can get on that plane to wherever, cinch my seatbelt, search for nuts and wish for a cinnabun.

Heather said...

I love Southwest because they are always joking around. Some of their flight attendants are really funny.

Sarah said...

HA! And that was a real, out loud one! Can I go with you on your next trip? I'll bring extra peanuts and a sharpie!

Connie said...

So YOU are the one messing with my mind! Just kidding, I have never flown in my life but that would be funny to be a mouse in the corner when someone begins to look for the peanuts.

Melynda said...

Man o man, I love that belt tip!

Bev said...

Something about Southwest brings out the WORST in me. I get so competitive. I strategically place myself so that I can jump up and get in line the MINUTE that it is acceptable to do so. Some of the stress of it has been removed because you can now purchase priority seating, which I always do. But, hey, there are still those frequent travelers that can get in front of you even with your purchased status upgrade. So I always give them the stink eye (what is that, by the way?) Also, you need to check in online the MINUTE you are within a 24 hour window of take off.

I wonder about myself. We're all getting to the same place in the same time frame. Give it a rest. Let someone in front of you. A center seat won't kill you. A screaming baby for a 2 hour flight isn't fatal. But I can't keep this perspective in the frenzy of "winning" over 200 "losers".

Cherie said...

I rarely fly Southwest so I didn't know they didn't have seat assignments - Your descriptions are a crack up!

Lisa Ricard Claro said...

Stopping by here first thing in the morning rocks. Always so nice to begin the day with a laugh. Thanks for that.

karen said...

I just flew Southwest to San Francisco and it was a pleasure as always. I got the middle seat both ways but had nice people to talk to: a nice sales rep from Hawaii on the way there and a Biomedical professor on the way back. She told me she once threw a student out of her class and told him he couldn't come back without a note from his mother. I loved that story. We had a mean flight attendant and giggled about it the whole trip.

Michelle Teacress said...

I would sit next to you on a Southwest flight any day. :)

And you're right about the seat belt. I always feel great when I sit down and have to cinch it tighter.