The good thing about flying Southwest is that they don't make me pay to check my big ol' suitcase full of emergency Oreos (in case we crash).
The bad thing about flying Southwest is the stressful process of finding a seat. There are no seat assignments and I hate the audition when I finally board with my fellow losers in the "C" group . Laser eyes are sizing me up for bladder size, noses are sniffing for offensive body odor, judgments are being made about conversational worthiness...it's like being chosen for the dodge ball team at recess all over again.
And the thing is, I am a model passenger. Let me share with you some of my friendly flying tips.
- When you unbuckle at the end of your flight, take your seatbelt to its full extension. The next passenger will settle in, start to buckle up and have to cinch in a yard of belt. They'll feel wonderful when they realize, Hey, I'm not nearly as big as that last guy.
- Make helpful notes in the Sky Mall catalogue
Don’t be a doofus. You do not want to pay $49.95 to teach your cat how to poop in your toilet.
- Surprise the next occupant of your seat by leaving intriguing messages behind:
- When you see someone eating one of those enormous Cinnabons, do a quick health assessment and if they look like a candidate for clogged arteries, snatch it away and throw it in the nearest trash bin. Then give a friendly wink and say "You're going to thank me later."
- Save some of your peanuts and hide them in little nooks and crannies so the next passenger can have a little protein treasure hunt.
- When conversation lulls and things get awkward, it is time to softly hum a lullaby Continue until one of you falls asleep.