This boy is getting ready to fly away to college
but before he goes he is keeping us entertained
with his funny ways.
He wrote this parody of the "To Be or Not to Be" soliloquy for an English assignment.
Toupee or not toupee- that is the question:
Whether ‘tis better for a man to suffer
The contempt and rejection of beautiful girls
Or to take arms against a lack of hair
And, with a wig, end them. To comb, to brush-
Have hair-and with this hair to say we end
The heartache and the thousand missed opportunities
That scalps are heir to- tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To strut, outside
Outside, perhaps with wind. Ay, there’s a catch,
For with that jaunt of locks what breeze may come,
When we have covered up this glossy cranium
That’s a thought. There’s one fear
That gives baldness such long life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The thinning forest, the dying lawn,
The curse of the comb over, the wrong approach,
Next to hairspray. Who would bear this,
To work and toil under a barren skull,
Unless something is worse than male pattern baldness?
The dangerous toupee that often brings
Unnatural hairlines, whispered jokes
And makes us rather accept the hair we have
Than try for more from another’s head?
Thus wigs make bald-heads of us all,
And thus the tempting thought of hair
Is beat by the works of better reason,
And the troubles of little hair and much scalp
Compared toupee, lose their clout
And baldness feels just fine.