Monday, October 5, 2009

Give it up

My friends, I have some important advice for you.  I don’t think I knew this when I was 25, so I guess random morsels of wisdom are some kind of a consolation prize for all the stinky things that keep happening as I get older. (But come to think of it, a consolation prize is given out of pity, made of plastic and from the dollar store.)

Anyway, the thing I didn’t know when I was 25, that I know now when I’m twice that amount plus one year is this: 

Sometimes you should quit believing in your dreams.

For example, I had to give up a personal dream of someday looking like this distinguished personal friend of Queen Elizabeth.  Dame Edna Everage had been my heroine from the first time I copied her style and bought matching eyeglasses in fourth grade.  When I  found out that Dame Edna is actually a MAN masquerading as this wonderful woman of distinction, I was forced to let go of a long held dream...for obvious reasons.

This is a brief list of a few dreams you should abandon.


1. Your dream is the same one my sister Heidi had when she was four--involving a wolf under the bed and it causes you to be too scared to get up during the middle of the night to use the bathroom. Give your bladder a break and give up on that dream.

2. Your dream is to get married to David Archuleta. He is too short for you, he has moved on from American Idol, and so should you.

3. Any element of your dream involves Spam luncheon meat (and I don’t care if they eat it in Hawaii!)

4. You are dreaming of giving a moving speech about your dream and you propose to call this speech “I Have a Dream”. Hello!!! This speech was already given by Larry Hagman when he accepted an Emmy for the classic TV show, “I Have a Dream of Jeannie”. Good grief some people have short memories.

5. Your dream involves losing weight. I didn’t learn too much in Mr. Baldwin’s high school Physics class, but I do remember that Nothing Can Be Created or Destroyed. So, with regards to those extra lbs. you are obsessing over, kindly think about this. You may think you are losing lbs. but according to the immutable laws of physics, those lbs. are not really lost and somebody else will find those rejected lbs. and they are going to be pretty ticked off at carrying around your used blubber.

Now this is not an all-inclusive list of dreams you should quit believing in, but it is best to start out slowly so you don’t get discouraged.


Kaija Thompson said...

Your best post yet.

Anna M said...

So, if my dream includes Red Vines, a tree swing and maybe Daniel Craig...

give it up??


Laraine Eddington said...

You'll never impress Daniel Craig with Red Vines in your teeth.

Dem, Mem and Them said...

Amen sista, I believe! Or don't? or whatever....

Burke and Julia said...

My husband and I have been reading your blog aloud and get a kick out of it. We especially like the extra lbs dream.

kate lines said...

can i just laugh as my comment? "hahahaha!" there, i did it.