A Beginner's Guide to Figure Skating

If you are a woman and hold the power position in your home, or if you have more than one TV, you will probably watch some figure skating during the Olympics. Now figure skating is a complicated sport, involving teeny tiny girl-women and men that look big by comparison. Here are some tips to make watching figure skating a truly memorable experience.

• Don’t worry about the women who look like they have blades surgically attached to the bottom of their tortured little feet. These women are all so small that they can’t find nude-colored leotards that are short enough and so they stretch them all the way over their skates. Isn’t that clever?


• Skaters receive extra points for every bit of fabric that flutters, making them look like they are wearing a string of prayer flags in the Himalayas

 
• In the horrible event that a skater falls on his/her bum, extra points are awarded if you don’t wear a bum shape ring of ice chips for the rest of the routine.





• All routines contain “elements”. If you want to sound knowledgeable when watching, just say “Wow! Now that was a nice element!” Or you can shake your head sadly and say, “Jeepers, they totally missed an element.” You’ll sound more intelligent than Scott Hamilton.

 

• All costumes are fashioned from a base element—yup, it’s our favorite, the nude adult onesie. Figure skates basically keep the nude adult onesie industry profitable. If you want to become a figure skating costume designer, buy yourself a nude adult onsie, add some flutters and voila! You are in business. 

• There is no such thing as a "private part" when you are a pair figure skater.

Sadly, the Russians’ couple figure skating dynasty crumbled like the Berlin wall on Monday night. Because I am a concerned global citizen, I have a suggestion for next time. Russia, get yourself a more substantial girl, say one of your shot-putters from the summer games. Let her be the one that throws a teeny tiny man around for a change. You get a woman tossing a man across the ice, or hefting him so he spins like a merry go round and you’ll even get some men to watch.



Now that would be an element!