Sunday, September 26, 2010

I Have Seen Many Moons

 For my nervous readers who have lots of cats and wear scarves and mood rings, I once again bring you 

Larainy Looks Up
Astrology for the Uninformed 
The Moon in Taurus opposes Venus and Mars today, providing a display in the night sky like nothing you have seen since that weekend in the sixties when you accidentally swallowed your mother's liver rejuvenation pills, mistaking them for M&M's. This is a great time to explore the chemistry between you and your lab partner.  Lunch in the cafeteria could provide exactly the right opportunity to get closer.

Aries - the wind
Time to reassess those financial goals.  Retirement is not going to achieved by surreptiously digging money out of the couch cushions whenever you get invited somewhere.  Also, it is too late to buy gold because no one wears it anymore, it is soooo last season!

Taurus - the car
Just because your romantic life has been like a sappy Nicholas Spark's novel for the past two weeks doesn't mean the spark will turn into a flame that will start a fire that will burn down a forest.  Keep alternative marshmallow toasting options open.

Gemini - the spaceship
That bum that you gave your spare change to was not Bill Gates in disguise searching for a kind person to reward with a billion dollars and a vacation home in Aspen with a Range Rover in the driveway.  Grow up and start being nice because your mother told you to.

Cancer - the tropic
The bump on your noggin is a pimple not a tumor.  Cancel your appointment with Dr. Zoomowitz at Urgent Care, quit picking at it and go take a nap.

Leo - the Tolstoy
Dr. Zoomowitz at Urgent Care has an opening.  Time to quit putting off that colonoscopy because your moon needs to descend.

Virgo - the dizzy
The world will not collapse if you eat another lb. of candycorn.  Your support for the Iowa candycorn farmers will enable them to eschew federal subsidies and fill their candycorn silos with fresh product.

Libra - the book
Trimming your overgrown toenails will rejuvenate your lovelife and/or bring a fresh romantic interest your way.  $10 investment in pediegg will pay off romantically within three days.

Scorpio - the pest
Trust your sense of smell.  It is time to give up on broccoli.  The cancer fighting properties of this dark green vegetable is not worth the social estrangement caused during cooking/bodily processing.

Sagittarius - the droopy
Consider a change of career this week, especially if you are still getting paid in expired coupons and sample packets of licorice poptarts.

Capricorn - the vegetable
You will lose your ebay bid on Elvis Presley's surgically removed goiter.

Aquarius - the fish tank

Back up your hard drive.  Immmediately after backing up, pull forward, park and put on the emergency brake.

Pisces - the formula
Avoid financial advisers who tell you that legally changing your children's names to Malia and Sasha will help you avoid federal income tax.



Nicole MacDonald said...

..okay I'm scared - what do you mean by 'the moon needs to descend' !?!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for confirming my suspicions. I'm an Aquarius! Life has been bizarre the few days. For example, I've cleaned my little beta's fish tank twice very recently and the water simply will NOT clear up! Well let me tell you -- that's just the tip of the iceberg. I appreciate your insight and advice! It reaffirms what I thought was going on!

Pondside said...

On the one hand, I'm glad to know that The Great Dane will not be looking for a place in the parlour for that goiter. On the other hand, I only have one marshmallow-toasting stick, and two remaining marshmallows. I think I'll just go for the conflagration and say 'to heck with it'.

Holly said...

I'm definately going to use my pediegg. I had planned on buying new lingerie at Vic's Secrets but if the pediegg will give me the same results, well, I'll give her a try. Do you have one of these? It's pretty gross emptying the thing out and seeing all that "foot dust"! Ewww

Anna M said...

I really want to support Iowa candy corn farmers, but my waistline doth protest. Vehemently.

And... wait... you're telling me there is such a thing as licorice pop tarts? Perhaps just one wouldn't hurt.

Sue said...

Could you make this a weekly feature? I'm not sure how I can go forward without you.


Laurel said...

I must be a Leo today. Just scheduled my first colonoscopy. Hopefully it does not include any descending moons!

Cherie said...

CAn I just get a pedicure? Ha Ha Yes I am a Libra not to be confused with a zebra!

MT said...

I need to buy some candy corn.

Sam and Melissa said...

Thank you for making me feel alright about by need to buy a bag of candy corn every time I go grocery shopping in the fall. I am convinced there is some kinda crack in those little candies :) By the way, I finally saw Brylinn. She is one of the cutest babies I have ever seen. I think you meed to make another trip up to see her!!!

joanne fox said...

Oh darn - I forgot to ransack the sofa for small change before we sent it to the charity depot. What a hopeless Arian I am!

Jen West said...

So, it's the broccoli smell and not the fact that I need to comb my hair? Gotcha!

Heidi said...

hahahahahah!!! I'm a libra and this is spot on - I grew up in Iowa and have no problem admitting that my family and I are on our 3rd dollar store bag of candy corn for the seasaon! whoop, whoop!!