For my nervous readers who have lots of cats and wear scarves and mood rings, I once again bring you
Larainy Looks Up
Astrology for the Uninformed
Aries - the wind
Time to reassess those financial goals. Retirement is not going to achieved by surreptiously digging money out of the couch cushions whenever you get invited somewhere. Also, it is too late to buy gold because no one wears it anymore, it is soooo last season!
Taurus - the car
Just because your romantic life has been like a sappy Nicholas Spark's novel for the past two weeks doesn't mean the spark will turn into a flame that will start a fire that will burn down a forest. Keep alternative marshmallow toasting options open.
Gemini - the spaceship
That bum that you gave your spare change to was not Bill Gates in disguise searching for a kind person to reward with a billion dollars and a vacation home in Aspen with a Range Rover in the driveway. Grow up and start being nice because your mother told you to.
Cancer - the tropic
The bump on your noggin is a pimple not a tumor. Cancel your appointment with Dr. Zoomowitz at Urgent Care, quit picking at it and go take a nap.
Leo - the Tolstoy
Dr. Zoomowitz at Urgent Care has an opening. Time to quit putting off that colonoscopy because your moon needs to descend.
Virgo - the dizzy
The world will not collapse if you eat another lb. of candycorn. Your support for the Iowa candycorn farmers will enable them to eschew federal subsidies and fill their candycorn silos with fresh product.
Libra - the book
Trimming your overgrown toenails will rejuvenate your lovelife and/or bring a fresh romantic interest your way. $10 investment in pediegg will pay off romantically within three days.
Scorpio - the pest
Trust your sense of smell. It is time to give up on broccoli. The cancer fighting properties of this dark green vegetable is not worth the social estrangement caused during cooking/bodily processing.
Sagittarius - the droopy
Consider a change of career this week, especially if you are still getting paid in expired coupons and sample packets of licorice poptarts.
Capricorn - the vegetable
You will lose your ebay bid on Elvis Presley's surgically removed goiter.
Aquarius - the fish tank
Back up your hard drive. Immmediately after backing up, pull forward, park and put on the emergency brake.
Pisces - the formula
Avoid financial advisers who tell you that legally changing your children's names to Malia and Sasha will help you avoid federal income tax.