Monday, September 20, 2010

Time to Play Hookie

Wake up you lazy bums, the weekend is over.  
Snap out of your lethargy, pull up your supportive hosiery and get cracking!

Just kidding, my dear readers.  I thought I would give you a wee taste of what my children hear on Monday morning (minus the supportive hosiery).  

Actually, my advice to you is to skip work, crawl back in your invitingly tousled bedclothes, nestle your weary head on your fragrant pillow and sleep until noon, rising refreshed to take a luxurious shower amidst rivers of moisturizing sudsy body wash, rinse and then air dry while singing "Oh What a Beautiful Morning" in that warbly voice that only your Mother loves...because she is profoundly deaf.

With the rest of your day,  you may choose from the following cheering alternatives:

Purchase a fresh crisp bunch of organic celery from your local farmer's market.  Be sure to buy from the folks wearing straw hats, faded denim who are chewing organic blades of grass.

Take one stalk of celery and adroitly skewer an exquisite bon bon of your choice.  Delicately nibble the chocolate from the celery stalk until the pathway through your mouth/throat/stomach is thoroughly coated with chocolatey liquid silk. If you are worried about your weight, you may now chew the disgustingly healthy celery stalk which will burn off all the delicious calories you have just consumed plus 5 bonus calories.  Hence, the more chocolate/celery combinations you consume, the more calories you will burn.  

Go to the zoo and hang around at the orangutan exhibit.  When a mother with a small child approaches, make her day by telling her that her boy/girl is almost as cute as the little creature behind the moat playing "catch the poo" with his little orangutangy cousin.  Remember: nothing helps elevate your mood faster than service!!!

With a pair of scholarly eyeglass perched on your nose, stroll through your local Barnes and Noble bookstore offering to autograph whatever books people are buying.  (Be sure to check the cover so you spell the author's name correctly and try not to pick an author that has been dead for more than 50 years)  Remember, sloppy autographs are authentic autographs.  This is one area where neatness doesn't count and for heaven's sake don't dot your i's with little hearts unless you are autographing Stephen Hawking's new book.

Have a wonderful day!

Mother found here


Janet Johnson said...

Sounds like a plan, to me! I'm getting good at the sloppy writing thing. :)

joanne fox said...

I'll skip the celery and go straight for the choccies - thanks!

Sue said...

I need to go grab a couple of stalks of celery, quick!


Anonymous said...

I soooo wanted to do that this morning (the crawling back into my nightclothes part). I'll just have to settle for eating celery sticks at work. Boo.

Anna M said...

what about a chocolate celery smoothie? come on new week... let's do this!

Pondside said...

I've come to this rather late - could you make me a plan for tomorrow?