First a disclaimer. I am speaking from a position of bitterness because my July wedding in 1981 was totally eclipsed by the world wide frenzy over the la-di-da royal wedding of Prince Dubya's parents, Charles and Diana. I got absolutely no press coverage, even when...
- a hawk perched on the roof throughout the evening of my backyard reception
- I lost my contact lens (blue) in my bouquet (blue and white)
- the occasional scent of a pig farm wafted in when the breeze came from the north
I shouldn't hold grudges because my marriage lasted and Charles and Diana's did not. So, to demonstrate my equanimity, I am going to offer some *free American advice to Miss Kate Middleton.
* worth even less if converted into £'s
1. Miss M., put your daintily clad foot down...hard, when your new Grand-Mum-in-law asks you to babysit her fat Corgis while she goes to Harrods to try on hats. If you don't speak up now you'll be Corgified for the rest of your married life.
2. Sure, that engagement ring is a pretty impressive rock - but if you let Prince Dubya get away with giving you used jewelry there will be no end to it. You are going to end up with rusty old crowns and useless gem encrusted sword hilts for every anniversary and it won't cost your cheap husband a farthing. And think a minute missy, just what are you going to say when your friends ask "Did he go to Jared?"
3. Katie dear, your first delicate diplomatic challenge is going to be convincing your, cough cough, "scarce-haired" boy to give up the pretense and join the ranks of the shiny noggined. Find a kind way to tell Prince Dubya that his plan to wear a crown 24/7 is not going to fool anyone.
4. When brother-in-law Harry turns up with Diddy and Kanye and wants to crash on your sofa and watch soccer while you "whip up a little chow for the blokes", tell him that he can go root through the royal treasury for his own engagement ring and see if he can talk some bird into marrying him and no, he cannot borrow your polo pony again this weekend.
When Mum-in-law Camilla insists that you borrow her endangered species hat "so the leopard and spotted owls will not have died in vain", tell her to give it to Queen Elizabeth's corgis to gnaw on next time she has to doggysit at Buckingham Palace.
Good luck Miss M., you're going to need it.