Tuesday, September 6, 2011

The Tardy Psychic

I am really sick of the faulty information I receive each year from the "If Today is Your Birthday" column in my newspaper.

image found here

I wait all year for my special day to roll around, waking at the crack of dawn to skip out to the driveway in my silky peignoir and retrieve the newspaper which has been artfully thrown deep under the dark underbelly of the Toyota.  As I shimmy on my belly, blindly clawing for the paper, I dream of finding out what my future holds.

And then over a celebratory bowl of Marshmallow Maties I read worthless gems like this
  • Romance may be in store for you today  (Face it, there is no store that sells romance) 

  • Someone from a foreign country will have a profound influence on you (Not if I override the vote for the Chinese Buffet and it's consequential stomach ailments)

  • Animal companion will bring you comfort during the coming year (Forget it, I am not buying another cannabilistic mother gerbil)


I am starting a new and improved feature called
The Tardy Psychic
If Yesterday Was Your Birthday

Never again will you have to read inaccurate information that will mess up your life for the next 365 days.  Instead you will receive dead on accurate "I told you so" nuggets that will leave you shaking your head in rueful acknowledgement that Larainy really does know best.
  • If yesterday was your birthday you really shouldn't have expected the cop wearing aviators that hid unsmiling eyes to let you off after he caught you spinning celebratory brodies in the Baptist church parking lot  

  • If yesterday was your birthday your lucky lottery numbers were not a combination of your bra size, your dogs age in people years and the year Richard Nixon died

  • If yesterday was your birthday you should not have told your hairdresser to "Surprise me" 

  • If yesterday was your birthday, choosing a vanilla cake instead of chocolate did not cause you to consume less than half of it before midnight, so you might as well have picked your favorite.

Happy I told you so from Larainy


Holly said...

Have I told you lately that I love you? You are the weirdest person I know, and we haven't even met yet.

Pondside said...

I'll send you my birthday date so that you can get to work now on the day-after prediction (am working on a new word for it.)

karen said...

So.... was today your birthday? If so, I hope it was a good one! (Mine is tomorrow the 7th!) Rule #1: NEVER let the hairdresser surprise you. Those kinds of surprises are rarely what you wanted.
I'll look for your "I Told You So's" on th 8th.

Ann in the UP said...

I'm pretty sure your list is right on for everyone. I so hate when "You will meet an exciting new person who will change your life."

No thanks! And Happy birthday. Whenever it was.

Lisa Ricard Claro said...

There's no doubt you're brilliant, and your birthday insights are so spot on it's scary. I think the government should hire you as they don't seem able to learn from history! I kinda like it: Government by Larainy. I'll vote for you.

Sue said...

If it is indeed your birthday, i celebrate you.

If it is not your birthday, I celebrate your birthday humor.

Either way, you always make me laugh. And I'm a little bit afraid that proves I am twisted.


Anna Lefler said...

This. Is. GENIUS.

And happy birthday to you!!



Marti said...

So very very true. Especially the hairdresser part. Two weeks later and I still look like like a 2 year old attacked my hair with the dog clippers.

Melynda said...

You should do a tardy post each month, this is too funny.

Oregon Gifts of Comfort and Joy said...

Hi Larainy,

This is a really great idea and I love the title. I think that you should go for it and make it a regular feature

P.S. - I will never forget the day that I, a newlywed with a $100 hamster Habit Trail (or whatever it was called) and discovered the mama and her babies on the bare medal floor of the cage. I moved them, and then she ate them. I was hysterical, and called my husband during the lunch rush hour at his restaurant, crying my head off because I knew that my scent had killed the babies. Oh, what a memory, lol. Hamsters are gross.

Kathy M.