Going Viral

The good news is that this weekend I got a jumpstart on my ever present weight loss goals.

The bad news is that I counted the calorie loss while hanging over the toilet bowl.

The good news is that I don't have bulimia

The bad news is that I have something shareable.

The good news is that I'm going to quit giving you good and bad news.

As I lay groaning in my king size bed of self pity (having kicked my husband out for his own protection) I tried to watch television to distract me.  

Do you have any idea how many commercials include mayonnaise? 

In case you have accidentally been drinking from my straw, and catch my horrible case of

Amoebic Appetitus Perhorridus

here is my survival guide to weathering a stomach storm.

• Being sick in the daytime is a waste.  Taking advantage of the dramatic hours of darkness adds pathos and sympathy from loved ones and eliminates annoying interrupting calls from telemarketers while you are fondling your toilet bowl
• Controlling your thoughts goes a long way toward controlling the roiling stomach.  DO NOT think of 

Russell Brand

Joe Cocker

Or Newt Gingrich eating Cheetos

Instead, try to picture in your mind's eye...

either freshly fallen snow or a really clean unicorn.  Sorry but there are really limited good choices of things to think about when you want to hurl.





The next thing to do is to look yourself in the mirror, in all your wan and rumpled splendor,  and like Scarlett O'Hara,  clench your fist and say through clenched teeth

"As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again."

Then go back to bed and try not to think about cheese curds.

What is in the Royal Handbag?

I have been a bit obsessed with jolly old England as of late, and you can blame it on Downton Abbey .  This has lead to an alarming preoccupation with Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth and a burning curiosity about what she is packing around in those hefty handbags.  (If I were her royalness, I would demand a subordinate to haul around my breath mints and wadded kleenex.)   

As you know, protocol prevents a commoner such as myself from asking the Queen a direct question, but dear reader, once again, Larainy's crack investigative team has stealthily gathered information piece by piece and compiled a comprehensive report on the mysterious contents of the royal receptacle.

 Young Liz got into the handbag habit at a young age,
stuffing it with chocolate biscuits to nibble on during
interminable boring lectures from Father/King George on the subject of 
"how not to turn out like skanky Aunt Wallis Simpson"

 On this occasion, the Queenly purse contained an Ipod nano with an unobstrusive wire snaking up the royal white sleeve  connecting to an earbud obscured by a fashionable chapeau.  Listening to Sir Elton John's "Rocketman" was far more enjoyable than the annoying rat a tat of amateur drummers

 The only way Elizabeth got through an interminable visit with France's la di da first lady 
was to carry a miniature chess board in her handbag, whip it out, 
challenge Carla Bruni to a match and humiliate her in four moves

 

 Nothing cheers up a grandma like tucking in a lovely photo of her grandsons when they were adorable little tykes

 ...unless it's the 8x10 autographed and laminated glossy of Mr. Beckham 
that she carries in a special crush proof compartment

 If his Holiness can wear sassy red shoes, then certainly the Queen is allowed to carry her beloved Corgi in a pooch proof patent leather handbag during a visit to the Vatican

 

 Nothing tastes better after a road trip in the royal Jaguar  than a surreptitious sip of blue raspberry slurpee from a white handbag

Here, a fellow royal catches the faint whiff of roasted game hen that thrifty Queen Elizabeth slipped into her silver doggy bag after a gargantuan state dinner

The Queen learned many years ago that nothing amuses British children more than activating the fart machine concealed in a royal handbag with the remote concealed in a royal glove. Seeing the cheerful giggles that accompany each "Brrrruuuump" as she bends over to say hello is worth the loss of royal dignity.

 But the absolute favorite item that the Queen totes around in the ever present dangling appendage is a lace handkerchief soaked in her royal consort Philip's favorite scent

 

Circus Fantasy, by Britney Spears

Roll Out the Red Carpet

There is a special 5 hour festival of fashion and congratulations held every year to honor Martin Luther King and give starlets a chance to wear sparkly gowns honoring their golden globes. 

This year's event was hosted by a funny man with crooked English teeth, and while I can't comment on his funniness because Downton Abby trumps the GGA's, I can tell you that these awards are given by something called "The Foreign Press Assocation."  A little investigational digging has lead me to discover what the FPA is all about.

The sole member of the "Foreign Press Association" is a 9-year-old kid named Ghalib who writes press releases on a MAC out of his parents basement.  He tivos the last half of the big night because he has to be in bed by 9:00.

This year, Ghalib requested each actor to wear an outfit as a tribute to something/someone

 Emma Stone wore shoulder pads in solidarity with her little brother Everett 

who is playing Pop Warner football this year.

 Reese Witherspoon left her dress unhemmed, in honor of "those unsung heroes who alter clothes".  The scarlet starlet wiped out three times tripping over her excess dress material and is resting today with an icepack.

 Busy Phillips choked up as she dedicated her hair to her sister Wanda, who recently passed away but left her a "bump it"

The hirsute gentleman to the rear of Clive Owen dedicated his ensemble to "the sixties man...to the sixties."

 Tilda Swinton blew a kiss to her twin brother, David Bowie

 Pied Piper Perabo snuck in several homeless children under her voluminous gown 

as a general protest against the Republican party

 Juliana Margulies wore a sleek protest gown comprised of thousands of miniscule halibut scales painstakingly glued to a lightweight silk jersey by Alaskan fisherman who are out of work because of irresponsible oil spills caused by Mitt Romney

Sarah Michelle Gellar commissioned her daughter's Montesorri preschool group to tie dye the fabric for this voluminous gown constructed by the Jr. High sewing class as a reminder to "Sew as You Grow"

 Angelina wore a valentine tribute for Brad but his embarrassing response was to bring the cane he uses to poke his wife under the table when she is over her 123 calorie per day allowance.

 

Nobody does tributes like Hollywood

photos found here

 

Downton Abbey is Spiffing Brilliant!

I've been so nervous anticipating the second installment of Downton Abbey that it has nearly put me off my feed  Oh no!  Now I've gone and done it again, throwing out a horribly vulgar American farm expression, when I have been eating crumpets and trying mightily to be worthy to watch the upper crustian Lord and Lady and the lower crustian servants in this marvelous story.

Here's a run down to bring you up to speed

Lord Robert Crawley has only one job, which is to keep the huge pile of rocks that is his boyhood home from becoming Stonehenge.  This is a difficult job due to constant interruptions to open tiny little letters delivered on a silver tray by his formidable butler, Mr. Carson






Mr. Carson may look like he wants to tear out your cholesterol-clogged American heart, but he is really as gentle as clotted cream




 
Lady Cora Crawley was initially married for her revoltingly modern and obscenely large American fortune but her titled husband grew to love her in spite of her grating non-English accent

Lady Sybil, Lady Mary and Lady Edith are the three feminine progeny of their poor male-inheritorless father.  Mary is the oldest and as mean as a rattlesnake, while Edith is as mean as a slightly homely cobra.  Sybil is as harmless as a garter snake except that she likes to sneak around with the chauffeur to political rallies and once wore harem pants to dinner.

Violet, the oldest Crawley is so condescendingly English that she will make you want to give the United States back to Queen Elizabeth with a note of apology.

The staff, which works 15 hours, 364 1/2 days per year, unless their mother dies--is totally devoted to the Crawley family with the exception of O'Brien and Thomas, who have been known to soap the floor causing the miscarriage of a long awaited male heir,  and raid the wine cellar, respectively.

Tune in to PBS on Sunday to find out if World War I 
causes a starch shortage and resultant fainting spells.

 I can hardly wait!

Resolution Dissolution

The tree is gone and I missed plugging in the lights this morning.  I am always the first one up and lighting up the Christmas tree always makes me feel like Thomas Edison.








The holidays were chock full of family, because we reunioned together in California...the first time we have been all together in ages, and the last time we will be able to for a few years.

So, now it's on to resolutions. 

I have become painfully aware of a deficiency in my character that I have been blind to for many years.  This is something I'm not proud of and only share with you, dear readers, because you have shown yourself to be a kind and nonjudgmental sort.

Here goes.

If, by chance, you happened by for a visit to my home and were obliged to use the "facilities", you would, at some point in performing your ablutions, have reached for the toilet paper roll only to find it, ahem, starkly unadorned.

May I take this opportunity to apologize for my insensitive behavior.  I know I must have offended many a delicate sensibility with the sight of this undisguised utilitarian cleansing tool.


But...the year is new and I have the will to better myself.  I hereby resolve to cover each roll and protect family and friends alike from the unpleasantness of a brashly nude roll of toilet paper.

Options include:

The cupcake; for when your bum is craving something sweet

The scary baby with scissors; for when you want to caution your guests against profligate overuse of the roll

 

 

 

 

 

The saucy doll head;
for when your snoopy guests just have to find out what is under that blue hair

The sushi roll, roll cover; for when your body feels the need to replenish and release simultaneously

And for heavens sake, if you can't cover it up, at least do a little folding.

 Here's to resolutions

we can keep!