Rootin' Tootin' Resolutin'

Yes friends, like so many of you; I have just emerged from a cleansing fast (no vegetables, whole grains, fruits or fibers) and a 15 hour meditation (movie marathon in front of HD widescreen) and am now in the proper frame of mind to make my New Year's Resolutions.

In spite of the cleansing fast and meditation, I have been having a hard time coming up with anything that I can improve upon, so I looked to others for motivation.  Perhaps they will help you!

I will treat my sister like the angel she truly is.

 

I will force my sister to become the angel she truly isn't.

I will put the sheets in the washer, where they belong

I will allow no one to rain on my trophy parade

I will not try to solve the issues between Grandma and Aunt Sylvia

 

I will get up before 3 pm and cheerfully 

participate in family pictures

 

I will wear a shirt next time I volunteer 

as a crossing guard at the elementary school

 

I will never again bring dishonor to Smoky the Bear

Next time I will go all the way 

and wear the matching earrings

 

Next time, we will buy the eight foot couch

 

This year, 

I will go to the gym with my girlfriend

 

I will teach Arturo how to stand on his own two feet

 

I will read Twilight again until I get it right

I will limit my target practice to just one of the neighbors cats

 

I will continue little brother's education.

I will be a little less country

and a little more rock n' roll

We will give up on dating chicken farmers

 

I will give all my legal business to

kitty-totin' lawyers

 

I will not bring my baby to visit the Dollar Store Easter Bunny.

The Smell of Disney

Stumped for a last minute gift? 

Be the first on your block to order 
the new Disney line of exquisite parfums 
for the Lord or Lady in your life.

For the Lady

"Supercalifragisexyexpealisexy" 

by Mary Poppins

 

A little touch on a gentle wrist wafts 

a conservative yet saucy smell 

that will drive bankers wild

"Sea Splash"

by The Little Mermaid

Who needs legs when you smell like pearls and kelp?

"Provincial"

by Belle 

Will bring out the beast in your man
Grrrrrr!

"Odours eau de Wind"

by Pocohontas

Environmentally sensitive fragrance 

that will deplete your man’s erogenozone

"Narcoleptic"

by Sleeping Beauty

With a fragrance blendation
of fresh baked birthday cake and roses
No one will be sleeping!

"Tramp"

by Lady

Caution:

 This perfume is restricted 

to those with a minimum of
three tattoos
and one body piercing.

"Poison Apple"

by Snow White 

 

For the wicked witch in all of us

.

"Ancestor"

by Mulan

Personalized with just a pinch 

of the cremains of your long dead ancestors, 

so you can carry their smellmory with you for dynasties.

And for the Gentleman

"Primal"
by Mowgli 

 You will be the Bear, You will be her necessity    

"Eternal"

by Peter Pan

For the man who refuses to settle down

"Instinct"

by Tarzan

Your woman will swing through the trees 
to sniff your manly smell.

"Metamorphosis"

by Pinocchio

Change is good

"Quiver"

by Robin Hood

She’ll quiver and shiver whenever 
she catches a whiff of you

"Arabian Nights"

by Aladdin

 You won't need a magic carpet when you 
let the Genie out of this bottle of perfume!

My Christmas Wish

Okay, okay.  If you quit bugging me, I'll tell you what my fondest Christmas wishes are.

1.   That all the children in the world will live in a peaceful world where they have their very own Snuggie.

  

(Results not typical)

2.  That all the preteenagers of the world will produce personal gardens with edible chia pet hair and feed their families.

3.  That all the teenagers of the world will each eat one fruitcake which will wipe out fruitcakes and hostile gift-giving in one generation.

4.  That those precious moments children will finally grow into their excessively large heads.










5.  And finally, selfishly, for myself I wish




                to spend Christmas day in a snuggie

                                           drinking egg nog















 


and turning Christmas tree lights on and off with the clapper. 

Bacteria: Your Bosom Buddy

I have always been a lover of fine dairy products, as evidenced by this secret photograph taken in my fridge two minutes ago.

You have probably noted a couple things:

You:  That is an extremely old fridge.   Does it have a chunk of ice and a drip pan?

Me:  No, but thanks for asking.
                
You:  Wooo baby, that's one big pack a' yogurt

Me:  Okay, that is about enough out of you.  Close the frig now, do you think I am made of money?

I have also been extremely opposed to cancer of the bosom, or as some of you less refined types like to phrase it, "breast cancer".

So, when you combine my passion for yogurt and my hatred of crazy invasive cells of the female love pillows; you can imagine how glad I am to buy Yoplait yogurt, since the Yoplait company shares both my passion and my hatred.

But I have to admit, I am very relieved that they have a new campaign featuring this

 Save lids to save lives

Because I never did feel right about

Let's lick breast cancer

 

Somebody's Weight Watching You

Yes, I have been to Weight Watchers.  I have gone to meetings wearing clothes made of gauze and taken off my shoes to meet my goals.  Brothers and sisters, I have counted points.  Hallelujah.  

In honor of those who have ridden on the W.W. Wagon, or the Jenny Craig Bus, or the Cow Urine Express, I have composed the following motivational song to get you through the holidays.  I have also researched and found some delicious old Weight Watchers recipes that are sure to delight.

 

You and your guests are surely going to be snapping up your mackerel! 




         No one can pass 
         up a fishball!

Have Yourself a Low-Fat Little Christmas
(to be sung to the tune of a song with a similar name)
By Laraine F. Eddington


Have yourself a low-fat little Christmas

Let your treats be light

More whipped cream

Will only make your pants too tight

Have yourself a skimpy kind of Christmas

Starve yourself this year

Gaining weight does not

Equate to Christmas cheer

Have yourself a low-fat little Christmas

Did you know that over night

Fudge turns into

Something known as cell-u-lite?

CHORUS:

When you are at the grocery store

In the pastry aisle… again

Roll on by

Those evil jelly rolls

Or you never will be thin.

Through the years

We’ll all count points together

And if we pay our dues

We’ll look e-ma-ci-ated

E-ter-nal-ly!

So have yourself

A Christmas totally fat-free.

 

Nothing says love like

frozen brown liquid

 

Salmon jello...sculpted with your own salmonella-free hands

 

Can be made with beets,  leftover cabbage or strips of raw liver

Ahhhhh, nothing quenches like a long cool glass of beef bouillon.

If you can wind a hotdog around a pineapple

you are ready for Iron Chef

 

Only real hunger would inspire you to eat this bowl of scariness.

 
 

Straight out of a slasher movie

This children, is your brain on drugs...with dipping sauce!

The secret to Weight Watchers Success...The recipes!