Jaagup Auchinleck, an impeccably dressed, well educated, thoroughly traveled businessman picks up the red phone and dials heaven
Jaagup: Uh, hello, so apparently English is the official language in heaven?
Heaven: Oh heavens no, but we can communicate in any language. How may I direct your call?
Jaagup: I’m calling about the volcano in Iceland.
Jaagup: God bless you.
Heaven: He always does. No, are we talking about Eyjafjallajökull?
Jaagup: Er, yes…that one
Heaven: One moment please while I transfer you
Jaagup listens to heavenly hold music that sounds suspiciously like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir
HVD: Heavenly Volcanic Department, Cyrus speaking. How are you doing this fine morning Jaagup?
Jaagup: To speak frankly, not well.
HVD: I’m so sorry to hear that, having digestive trouble again?
Jaagup: What? How did you…? Ahem, no. I am contacting you as the designated representative of the Euro/American Travel and Business Underwriters Group, or EATABUG and we have a complaint.
HVD: Most people on earth do seem to have complaints.
Jaagup: I have some bullet points.
HVD: Oh, we call those points of illumination up here.
Jaagup: Uh, yes, well. I’ll just enumerate the uh, points of illumination for you then.
• Busy people are wasting time in English airports and they are sick of kidney pie and bangers
• Rich people are becoming less rich because they can’t do business as usual
• Vacationers have been prevented from vacationing and tourism is in the toilet
• The sky is full of billowing black clouds that violate the Kyoto treaty
• Earth’s residents turning off lights to combat global warming and you guys up here are heating up the world with the flip of one volcanic switch
• Enough is enough
We, the dues paying members of the Euro/American Travel and Business Underwriters Group, do hereby demand that Heaven does cease and desist from the continued destructive activity caused by the volcano in Iceland.
HVD: Oh, you demand, do you?
Jaagup: Yes. This situation is untenable.
HVD: May I ask you; what have you learned from this experience?
Jaagup: That this destructive activity has got to stop.
HVD: Anything else?
Jaagup: That we are getting really mad about it.
HVD: Well Jaagup, We here in the Heavenly Volcanic Department really appreciate your input. May I suggest you report back to the Euro/American Travel and Business Underwriters Group that Heaven intends to take this valuable information under advisement.
Jaagup: Thank you. So can we expect a cessation of all volcanic activity?
HVD: I can promise you that all you people on earth will get exactly what you need.
Jaagup: But does that mean…
Jaagup: Obviously, I'm going to get a promotion out of this deal.
18 hours ago