Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Eyjafjallajökull By Any Other Name Would Still Be One Heck of a Volcano

Jaagup Auchinleck, an impeccably dressed, well educated, thoroughly traveled businessman picks up the red phone and dials heaven

Heaven: Greetings

Jaagup: Uh, hello, so apparently English is the official language in heaven?

Heaven: Oh heavens no, but we can communicate in any language. How may I direct your call?

Jaagup: I’m calling about the volcano in Iceland.

Heaven: Eyjafjallajökull?

Jaagup: God bless you.

Heaven: He always does. No, are we talking about Eyjafjallajökull?

Jaagup: Er, yes…that one

Heaven: One moment please while I transfer you

Jaagup listens to heavenly hold music that sounds suspiciously like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir

HVD: Heavenly Volcanic Department, Cyrus speaking. How are you doing this fine morning Jaagup?

Jaagup: To speak frankly, not well.

HVD: I’m so sorry to hear that, having digestive trouble again?

Jaagup: What? How did you…?    Ahem, no. I am contacting you as the designated representative of the Euro/American Travel and Business Underwriters Group, or EATABUG and we have a complaint.

HVD: Most people on earth do seem to have complaints.

Jaagup: I have some bullet points.

HVD: Oh, we call those points of illumination up here.

Jaagup: Uh, yes, well. I’ll just enumerate the uh, points of illumination for you then.


• Busy people are wasting time in English airports and they are sick of kidney pie and bangers

• Rich people are becoming less rich because they can’t do business as usual

• Vacationers have been prevented from vacationing and tourism is in the toilet

• The sky is full of billowing black clouds that violate the Kyoto treaty

• Earth’s residents turning off lights to combat global warming and you guys up here are heating up the world with the flip of one volcanic switch

• Enough is enough


We, the dues paying members of the Euro/American Travel and Business Underwriters Group, do hereby demand that Heaven does cease and desist from the continued destructive activity caused by the volcano in Iceland.

HVD: Oh, you demand, do you?

Jaagup: Yes. This situation is untenable.

HVD: May I ask you; what have you learned from this experience?

Jaagup: That this destructive activity has got to stop.

HVD: Anything else?

Jaagup: That we are getting really mad about it.

HVD: Well Jaagup, We here in the Heavenly Volcanic Department really appreciate your input. May I suggest you report back to the Euro/American Travel and Business Underwriters Group that Heaven intends to take this valuable information under advisement.

Jaagup: Thank you. So can we expect a cessation of all volcanic activity?

HVD: I can promise you that all you people on earth will get exactly what you need.

Jaagup: But does that mean…


Jaagup:  Obviously, I'm going to get a promotion out of this deal.


Sue said...

Ah. Humorous AND favorite.

(And exactly why I am very careful what I ask for when looking heavenward.)

Good one, as always...


Anastasia said...

Thanks for following me. I loved your excerpt.

Anna M said...

Helena Handbasket, my friend, tells me it's the end of the world as we know it. (and I feel fine)