What I Did on My Spring Vacation

I realize that there has been a long silence on Larainydays, which in turn has left a hole in your heart, a void in your intellect, a crack in your emotional stability, and a chasm in your water cooler conversation. 

Hence my concerned, sympathetic expression in your behalf

But I am the bearer of good news, because during my absence I have obtained a boat load of wisdom that I am now going to download on your computer which will then flow into your under-utilized brain and spark out of your fingertips, making everything you touch blossom and prosper.  (Or, at a minimum, it will improve the look of your fingerprints so you will not be embarrassed if you are ever arrested.)

During my recent trip into the bowels of the Grand Canyon (located in the Grand Canyon state) I was lead by a snow white mountain goat down a dangerous rocky path to a mystical cave inhabited by a wise man. 

After offering the old one a traditional Grand Canyon gift of a postcard and trail mix without nuts (wise man has industrial strength eyebrows but zero teeth) he inclined his head toward me, indicating that 

a.  I could I asked a boon of him 

     or

b.  That he was asleep

When he awoke three hours later he looked at me with gentle surprise as if to ask "What the heck are you doing in my cave?"  As I humbly reminded him of the gift basket I had brought to exchange for his wisdom he sighed and, reaching deep within the bosom of his rough woven robe, he removed a wrinkled scrap of paper, took a lump of charcoal and wrote upon it.  He then closed his eyes once more.

 

Carefully I put the precious, wisdom laden scrap of paper in the pocket of my green cargo shorts and walked the 6.7 miles up a trail laden with mule poop infused dust to the top of the canyon.  I searched out a quiet spot on the canyon rim, removed the scrap of paper and read these transformative words.

1.  "You smell sweaty, you need to change deodorants"

2.  "To be truly righteous, the question is not paper or plastic, the  question is handwoven basket or clay pot."

3.  "High waisted pants are coming back and there is nothing you can do to stop them."

Sometimes, you need a vacation to put it all in perspective.