Thursday, April 15, 2010

Oprah and Me

As most of my dear readers know

This woman

 And me (photo taken in Oprah's guest bathroom)

Are like this.

If you are an Opraphile, you already know that this woman

Kitty Kelley

has written a "tell all" book about my best friend, Oprah.  (Oprah always identifies that Gayle woman as her best friend to protect my privacy.)  Ms. Kelley repeatedly contacted me for an interview into the private world of her Oprahness, but of course, as a best friend I said no, no, no, no, and double no until Ms. Kelley offered me front row tickets to the 
Barry Manilow show in Vegas and I succumbed.  
(I am not made of stone you know)

And so dear reader, I offer you a sneak peek 

Of the interview that lead to the chapter in this book

  that is titled:  "Oprah's real Best Friend"

K.K.  (Kitty Kelley)  Thank you for finally agreeing to meet with me Laraine.

L:  Gesturing wildly  Don't call me Laraine you numbskull!  I don't want everyone to know my real name, call me my blog name, Larainy Days.

KK:  Very well Larainy Days.  Do you mind if I record this conversation on the spy recorder shaped like a cameo that is pinned between my bosoms?

LD:  What's the matter, are your hands broken?  Write it down.  I don't want to look at your bosoms the whole time.  I'm not that kind of girl.

KK:  Okay, okay.

LD:  Besides, I sound weird on I smoke cigars and have hairy legs

KK:  I understand.

LD:  How could you possibly understand, your legs are obviously lasered.

KK:  Back to Oprah.

LD:  Let me just say this.  She's not exactly who she says she is.

KK:  What do you mean?

LD:  Those eyelashes?  Fake.

KK:  Well, that's not exactly a secret.

LD:  Oh yeah?  Well how about this?  Those extra fifty pounds she's been packing?  Fake.

KK:  Why would she fake her weight gain?

LD:  Three little words Kitty; sym pa thee.  Every time she gets fat her ratings go up.

KK:  Really?

LD:  Oh yeah, and I suppose you want my theory on why that is so.

KK:  Oh, please (scribbling furiously)

LD:  It's like this.  If you're skinny, you like to watch people on TV that are fatter than you so you can think to yourself "man, I sure am glad I'm not fat like that poor girl".  If you're chubby you like to watch people on TV that are also chubby so you can think to yourself  "That plumpalicious gal is someone that would eat a Bloomin' Onion with me without telling me it contains 150 fat grams and then take me to Dairy Queen for dessert.  That there is my kinda gal."  When my best friend Oprah gains weight, she captures the entire skinny-fat demographic.

KK:  I must say, I'm impressed.  I didn't think you knew what a demographic was.

LD:  Of course I do, that's why I'm a Republican.

KK:  Can we go on to another subject?  Tell me what you know about Oprah's relationship with Stedman.

LD:  Who's that?

Dear readers, you are just going to have to read the book to get the rest of my insights which include:
  • the thread count of Oprah's toilet paper
  • the name of her pet unicorn (hint, it rhymes with yomama)
  • her plan to buy Disneyland and implode Splash Mountain because it propogates Brer' rabbit stereotyping.


Anonymous said...

What a probing interview!

Sue said...

While I sensed you were unique in some inexplicable way, I could never have imagined the truth...That you are a secret pal to the stars.

Amazing, my friend.