Friday, September 30, 2011

Paddling Brain Puddles

The impending weekend calls for recreation and what better way to begin than by paddling around in an a little intellectual exercise I like to call cranial canoeing. 

 

So c'mon, jump in my hand carved vessel and let's navigate the inner recesses of Larainy's brain...entering at the ear canal.










  

Why oh why did I succumb to my inner child and buy a gargantuan vat of buttery delicious animal crackers when I am the only one in my household that eats them and my co-dependent snacking grandchildren are hundreds of miles away?













Why oh why do they even make tubs of animal crackers that are bigger than my car?










How in tarnation did this boy man get so talented?


Listen to the new song he wrote here












Do you think even Nancy Reagan just says no to *cinnamon bread?









Why does everyone else that goes to the the Harry Potter link find out they have a cool Patronus like a wolf or a jaguar and I end up with a fat little marmot.  
 Yeah, right, like this sluggard is every going to be able to save me from the likes of Voldemort.



(Let me know if you need a new addiction 
and I'll give you my cinnamon bread recipe)
 

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

It is Better to Light a Candle Than Curse a CFL

I was so excited when I was first introduced to this darling new CFL lightbulb.  
It looked like a swirly ice cream cone and if there is anything I love 
it is buying something at Home Depot that looks like ice cream.

As an added bonus, this new light bulb promised to 
Save the planet!!!
Getting rid of all my old evil old-fashioned energy sucking caveman lightbulbs 
made me feel virtuous and reduced my carbon footprint 
to a petite size 6 1/2 narrow.

And then I turned it on.

Other than the sound of the light switch, 
there were few cues that anything had happened.  
A faint glow emanated from the fixture, 
equal to a sputtering candle on a foggy night.  
After my hair grew half an inch, 
my hallway was finally illuminated 
in a romantic glow somewhat akin 
to a flashlight with dying batteries.

I found out what C.F.L. stands for...

Can’t find the light!!!


I can only imagine what will happen when a bad guy breaks into my house and I hear his stealthy steps in the hallway.

Me:  Shaking sleeping husband.  Hey, wake up, I hear a bad guys stealthy steps in the hallway

Husband:  Snore

Me:  Alright, alright.  I guess it's my turn.  You got up the last five times I heard stealthy steps.

Me again:  Easing out of bed, every fiber alert and poised to maintain the element of surprise whilst silently creeping toward the light switch in the hall.  

Flipping it on.  Aha!   
Me:  Uh, excuse me, bad guy, if you're there will you wait just a minute because it takes a while for this light to come on and I can't hurl my ninja throwing star at you in the dark.  

But...
thanks to good old American ingenuity,
we have solved the problem of the energy efficient bulb
that takes 15 minutes to warm up.

We just leave it on 24 hours a day.





Monday, September 26, 2011

Vanity, Thy Name is Larainy

I know, I know.  I said I was too cheap and too modest to ever spring for vanity plates, but I threw caution to the winds and this is what blew in.

If you're a tailgater and recognize me, 
give me a friendly honk and then back off 
before you get hurt by my erratic braking habits.

Now that I am identifiable
I feel a responsibility to be a creative driver.




 

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Is Your Toddler Organic?

 
  •  
     
     
    All Natural and Organic meals and snacks
  • On site Organic garden
  • GreenGuard indoor air quality certified furniture
  • Filtered water from every faucet 
  • Organic cotton for all sleep surfaces
  • All natural cleaning products
  • VOC-free paint throughout building
  • Recycled products in classrooms and administration
  • Family owned and operated


But what it doesn't tell you:
  • Unpotty trained toddlers are required to wear diapers made of hemp (to be handwoven by parents) lined with peat moss


  • Required footwear is limited to moccasins tanned from roadkill rabbits or hemp sandals
 
 
  • Children will weave  fans out of palm fronds during crafts time to provide manual circulation of air as a natural school contains no air conditioning
 
 
  • Any Twinkies found in a lunch bag will be confiscated and replaced with raisins and a stern organic lecture




  • Parents are required to sign waiver indemnifying academy against trauma suffered by children who suffer nightmares due to exposure to excessively natural and hirsute legs of female staff 










imge found here


  • All children will be required to dress as Al Gore for the Halloween Harvest Festival costume party
 









  • Parents dropping off children must participate in earth friendly conveyances, i.e.
a.  walking
b.  riding an organic donkey
c.  riding a bike
d.  riding the bus
e.  driving a Prius or biodiesel fueled vehicle



Natural Choice Academy
Where earth day lasts all year!

 

Monday, September 19, 2011

Small Screen Fashion

I'm the kind of blogger that doesn't have to watch an event to  report on it.  Oh wait, I forgot, that's how most blogger's operate.  


Anyhoo, the Emmy's aired Sunday night.  This is an awards show that celebrates the small screen on the small screen with small stars and large commercials.


As usual, there was a red carpet littered with women,and the occasional man wearing glittery, fluffy, clingy bits.  Let's review, shall we?



image found here
Morticia's granddaughter breaks out the crow feather boa she inherited and continues the family tradition of portraying an appearance of deep depression
Note to celebrity self:  Make sure all sections of filmy dress are free of closed limo door 
before taking the first ripping step onto the red carpet



Phoebe, I don't care how much you love your pet hummingbird.  
Wearing its habitat on your head is not flattering.


Heidi Klum dedicates her frothy hem as an 
inspirational tribute to flash flood victims across the globe



Heather has an embarrassing moment when she glances down, 
sees the tag and realizes she's got the whole thing on backwards



Rico wins the bet with his best friend Arnold 
that he can drink 44 oz. of Dr. Pepper 
and hold it through what turned out to be a very long night



 Amy Poehler arrived fresh from a snorkeling trip in a multitasking wetsuit/evening gown.  
With her no nonsense slicked back hairstyle, 
all she had to do was throw on a pair of earrings and rinse off the salt water.




Red carpet photos found here

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Organ Donors at the Dollar Store

If you've been holding back on Halloween purchases at the dollar store...
wait no longer 
as Larainy publishes another installment of


Today I will review
That's Gross! Stretchy Body Parts
After extensive testing, I submit the following observations:

  •   Stretchability factor is excellent; basically a 3/1 ratio
  • I found the hand to be particularly lifelike and flexible, with a soft and pliable epidermis
  • The eyeball disappoints, as it is crudely painted with outlandish blood vessels.  I found it laughably garish
  • The tongue is particularly gruesome when stretched to full capacity, causing a delightful shudder to creep down the  spine
  • Body parts tend to leave an oily spot.  Advise caution when wearing them on fine linen
  • Do not expect items to replicate your actual size.  Unless you are in the Guiness Book of World Records











I give "That's Gross, Stretchy Body Parts" a rating of $.95, an excellent value.  
I particularly recommend it as a hostess gift during the month of October.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Sweet Baby B

 This crew came to visit

There was lounging and toy consumption

There was a humane harvest of trout at Crescent Lake

And the traditional ceremonial tribute to the severed fish head

There was lots of snuggling

And then there was goodbye

Friday, September 9, 2011

Wastin' Away Again Inside the DMV


image found here
 This is the song Jimmy Buffet
would have written if he had to
hang out at the Dept. of Motor Vehicles
instead of Margaritaville


Nibblin my finger nail
Time’s movin like a snail
Some of these people give me the creeps
Takin some light breaths
Don’t want a brain death
Smells like someone’s guts are beginnin to boil

Chorus:
Wastin away again inside the DMV
Searchin to replace a license that’s lost
I’d like to claim that my husband’s to blame
But I know it’s nobody’s fault

I don’t know the reason
Why this takes a season
Been here long enough to get a tattoo
Cause everyone has one
Or is carrying a hand gun
When I can leave I haven’t a clue

Chorus:
Wastin away again inside the DMV
Searchin to replace a license that’s lost
I like to claim that my husband’s to blame
Now I think
Yeah, it’s probably his fault

Wish I’d worn my flip flops
Hey look, here come the cops
Bustin in and arrestin that guy
But he is resistin
He’s yellin and twistin
Hey buddy  I’ll take your place in that car

Chorus:
Wastin away again inside the DMV
Searchin to replace a license that’s lost
I like to claim that my husband’s to blame
Now I think
Yeah, it’s completely his fault



Tuesday, September 6, 2011

The Tardy Psychic


I am really sick of the faulty information I receive each year from the "If Today is Your Birthday" column in my newspaper.

image found here

I wait all year for my special day to roll around, waking at the crack of dawn to skip out to the driveway in my silky peignoir and retrieve the newspaper which has been artfully thrown deep under the dark underbelly of the Toyota.  As I shimmy on my belly, blindly clawing for the paper, I dream of finding out what my future holds.

And then over a celebratory bowl of Marshmallow Maties I read worthless gems like this
  • Romance may be in store for you today  (Face it, there is no store that sells romance) 

  • Someone from a foreign country will have a profound influence on you (Not if I override the vote for the Chinese Buffet and it's consequential stomach ailments)

  • Animal companion will bring you comfort during the coming year (Forget it, I am not buying another cannabilistic mother gerbil)

So... 

I am starting a new and improved feature called
The Tardy Psychic
~*~ 
If Yesterday Was Your Birthday


Never again will you have to read inaccurate information that will mess up your life for the next 365 days.  Instead you will receive dead on accurate "I told you so" nuggets that will leave you shaking your head in rueful acknowledgement that Larainy really does know best.
  • If yesterday was your birthday you really shouldn't have expected the cop wearing aviators that hid unsmiling eyes to let you off after he caught you spinning celebratory brodies in the Baptist church parking lot  

  • If yesterday was your birthday your lucky lottery numbers were not a combination of your bra size, your dogs age in people years and the year Richard Nixon died

  • If yesterday was your birthday you should not have told your hairdresser to "Surprise me" 

  • If yesterday was your birthday, choosing a vanilla cake instead of chocolate did not cause you to consume less than half of it before midnight, so you might as well have picked your favorite.

Happy I told you so from Larainy

Friday, September 2, 2011

Houston, we have lift off

After thirty years of marriage
you would think I would know how 
to clearly communicate
with my husband.

This is what I got
when I told him I needed
 something that would
give me "a little lift"
Anybody in the market for a
chair/body launcher?