The Biggest Christmas Loser

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It wasn't easy, dear readers, but I hacked into the top secret "motivational song" database of the popular reality show The Biggest Loser in order to bring you the motivational songs guaranteed to help you make it through the holidays unscathed by additional baggage.

Song #l is modified from and sung to the tune of  

"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas"

Have yourself a lowfat little Christmas

Let your treats be light

More whipped cream

Will only make your pants too tight

Have yourself a skimpy kind of Christmas

Deprive yourself this year

Those ten pounds do not

Equate to Christmas cheer

When you are at the grocery store

In the pastry aisle...again

Repeat to self  "These brownie bites

will give me an-oth-er chin"

Have yourself a lowfat little Christmas

Just lay off the chow

Or suffer infarction reaching for the highest bow

And have yourself a lowfat little Christmas now.

Song #2 is modified from the classic  

"Summertime"  from Porgy & Bess

Christmas Time, and the livin' ain't easy

Kids are jumpin'

And the prices is high.

Oh yo Daddy ain't rich

And yo Ma, she ain't either.

So cry lil' baby - go ahead and cry

One a these mornins, you gonna have to start wrappin'

Then you'll run outta tape

And have to break out the glue

But til' that mornin'

Jes keep a usin' you Visa

Cause it'll be a whole month

Til' that stinkin' bill comes due

Remember...

Your weight loss croon

Needn't be in tune

To enable you

To put down the spoon!