A) Accurately filling out the 2010 census, and
B) Taking the “Harry Potter Sorting Hat Quiz” in order to find out which “house” I belong to.
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What this has to do with national security I don’t rightly know, but when Janet speaks, I listen…especially because she sounds like my high school gym teacher, Ms. Greta Fronske, who could bench-press 250 lbs.
image found here
Sadly, the sorting hat quiz revealed that Larainy would not be welcome in the houses of Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw or Slytherin. In fact, I couldn’t make it into Hogwarts even if I paid full tuition.
Larainy is eligible only for a charter school called Verminbridge Prep, founded by Aurelius Verminbridge, a disgraced exotic animal veterinarian that was stripped of his license when he was caught flogging his unicorn using a viper as a riding quirt.
Now I don’t know whether you give a Bertie’s booger-flavor bean about Pottermania, but I take offense at being banished by a quiz to a Podunk slum school like Verminbridge Prep where students are trained only to perform support roles such as laundering Quidditch uniforms or picking up dragon droppings in Hagrid’s corral. And the “houses” are definitely sub par. There is no fancy talking hat to sort out your fate; students are assigned based on their favorite cheese.
These are the unappetizing options:
HOUSE COLORS MASCOT
Slinkford Gray and Grey Weasel
Squeekin Mold and Puce Vole
Gutterpinge Peagreen and Moss Tree shrew
Sludgingworth Black and Smudge Fruit Bat
Chubling Yeast and Yellow Horned toad
Well, forget that stinking quiz. I intend to drop out and muggle my way through life without a wand.
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