Monday, December 6, 2010

Sorting Hat Humiliation

As requested by our esteemed Director of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano, Larainy has joined with millions of other freedom loving Americans by...

A) Accurately filling out the 2010 census, and 

B) Taking the “Harry Potter Sorting Hat Quiz” in order to find out which “house” I belong to. 

image found here

What this has to do with national security I don’t rightly know, but when Janet speaks, I listen…especially because she sounds like my high school gym teacher, Ms. Greta Fronske, who could bench-press 250 lbs. 

image found here

Sadly, the sorting hat quiz revealed that Larainy would not be welcome in the houses of Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw or Slytherin. In fact, I couldn’t make it into Hogwarts even if I paid full tuition. 

Larainy is eligible only for a charter school called Verminbridge Prep, founded by Aurelius Verminbridge, a disgraced exotic animal veterinarian that was stripped of his license when he was caught flogging his unicorn using a viper as a riding quirt.

Now I don’t know whether you give a Bertie’s booger-flavor bean about Pottermania, but I take offense at being banished by a quiz to a Podunk slum school like Verminbridge Prep where students are trained only to perform support roles such as laundering Quidditch uniforms or picking up dragon droppings in Hagrid’s corral. And the “houses” are definitely sub par. There is no fancy talking hat to sort out your fate; students are assigned based on their favorite cheese.
These are the unappetizing options:

HOUSE                     COLORS                                  MASCOT

Slinkford                  Gray and Grey                           Weasel
Squeekin                  Mold and Puce                           Vole
Gutterpinge              Peagreen and Moss                   Tree shrew
Sludgingworth          Black and Smudge                     Fruit Bat
Chubling                  Yeast and Yellow                       Horned toad

Well, forget that stinking quiz. I intend to drop out and muggle my way through life without a wand.

P.S.  My dear readers, my blog is now available on Kindle.  Would you like to submit a review?  Go here and tell the world what you think


Janet Johnson said...

Too funny! I think I'd go without a wand, too. :)

MT said...

Woo, that school sounds...monochromatic.

You need to take a different quiz! I'm a Hufflepuff. ;)

Matthew Rush said...

Love it.

Julie Harward said...

I think I would prefer the school of hard knocks to any of those! ;D

Anna M said...

Gutterpinge sounds nice. I love peagreen and moss (although they might clash slightly).

Good for you for trying (as my mother always says each time I don't get accepted into the schools of my dreams, like all of those online psychic courses)

Shane Chamberlin said...

Sounds like a school for house elves. You would be a little too tall I think.

Sue said...

How cool that you're on Kindle! I will definitely go check it out (if I can figure out how, that is).


PS. I think your decision to remain wandless is a good one, under the circumstances.

Jen West said...

i think i might choose slinkford... i tend to like my gray/grey(s). kindle is BIG time! wow for you, and the world. they have no idea the treat they are in for :)