Freaky Family Fun

Dedicated to every woman who has developed a permanent nervous tic worrying about color coordinating clothing in your annual family photo.

There is a time and a place for a dog pile...

this wasn't it.

Some mothers look nervous for a reason.

 Apparently, John Lennon had some unacknowledged children

The two sides of Pat

 Don't worry honey, when you grow up 

we'll buy you some tall hair too

 "Will you take the @#!* picture... 3/4's of us are in pain."

In memory of Grandpa and Grandma

Overall, what's not to love?

It wouldn't be the first time little Bobby's 

big sister held a gun to his back.

 The family that hairsprays together, stays together

Sometimes Dad has too much eggnog

Four Corners = Five Dorks

 "What can I say, I fell in love with his hair"

More awkward family photos can be found here

That's No Lady

I don't like to judge people.  Okay I do like to judge people but I try to keep it to myself or disguise it in a kindly form such as...

He has more hair in his nose than he does on his head...bless his heart!

Adding, "bless his/her heart" to anything tends to soften the blow of the judgmental hammer.

That said, today I would like to judge

 her

Because somebody needs to do it.

WHEREAS: The female known as "Lady GaGa"

• Is polluting the world's culture at a rate of 100,000 carbon tons per day
• Has turned vulnerable girls into prepubescent tartlets
• Initiates the gag reflex, causing wide spread bulimia
• Is paving her own path to hell with swarovski crystals

IT IS MY JUDGMENT THAT:

• She no longer be known as "Lady"  
• She gets a real job harvesting green beans or doing laundry
• She abide by a total media ban for the rest of her natural life.

The Vulnerable Gardner

You can take a man out of the Brazilian Rain Forest

but you can't take the Brazilian Rain Forest out of a man

Bologna Buns: The recipe = the body part

The Devious Domestic has heard your feeble cries for a new culinary masterpiece to wow the family and impress your social circle

Wait no more!

For today's triumph I have worn my red-gloved fingers to the bone, scouring dozens of dough encrusted charity recipe books.  You know the type...someone/thing needs a fundraiser and so everyone contributes their favorite chicken enchilada recipe and they print all 189 versions of chicken enchiladas in a book and then you are guilted into buying back your own chicken enchilada recipe, because yours is definitely the best recipe and you wouldn't think of making someone elses, especially since someone else's contains CREAM OF CHICKEN SOUP for pete's sake.

The following gem was found in the "Lobo Cookbook".  Now I should have known better than to look in a cookbook authored by a Mexican wolf, but hey, it was handy.  

BOLOGNA BUNS*              

"This is not a misprint, repeat...this is not a misprint

 1.  Slice 6 oz. bologna into thin strips somewhat resembling cadaver flesh

 2.  Add 2 Cups shredded cheddar cheese

 3.  Add 2 teaspoons chopped green onion

4.  Add 1 teaspoon sweet pickle relish

5.  Add 1 Tablespoon prepared mustard (don't be an idiot and try to add unprepared mustard because it is never on time)

6.  Add 1 C mayonnaise (May substitute lard or leftover cellulite)

7.  Mix above ingredients together in a bowl.  (I apologize for not having a picture of this step, but I when I finished this step I had to run to the bathroom and barf and then I forgot)

8.  Use hamburger or hotdog buns and fill with bologna amalgam*

*See apology #7 for absence of picture

9.  Wrap filled buns in foil and place in oven heated to 350 degrees.  

Feed it to someone who will actually eat it

Bone appetit!

Oh Mandy, Why Did You Have to Be named Mandy?

Dear Barry,


I remember all my life in high school felt like it was rainin' down as cold as ice. All I could see was shadows of the imaginary man I yearned for, or sometimes a face through a window (not going through the window, as that would cause scarring, but a glimpse through the window.) Which lead to me cryin' in the night and waking up with puffy red eyes, but as usual the night goes into mornin', just another day…pancakes for breakfast, the school bus and then the Fish Hall where happy people pass my way. On the way to Algebra I’m lookin' in their eyes and I see a memory. I never realized how happy you made me. 

Doh Mandy!

Well, you came and you gave without takin' but my Dad sent you away because your name was Mandy and also one time he saw you kissing me and he wouldn’t stop shakin' you but I still I need you today.  

Doh, Mandy!

I'm standing on the edge of time because I stepped on my watch and I also walked away when love was mine because I was having a bad hair day. I’ve been caught up in a world of uphill climbin' and the tears are in my mind which is causing water on the brain and as a result my cognitive function is impaired and nothin' is rhyming. 

Doh Mandy!

Well, you came and you gave without takin' but my Dad sent you away because your name was Mandy and one time he saw you kissing me and he wouldn’t stop shakin' you but I still I need you today. 

Doh, Mandy!

Yesterday's a dream because I slept all day. But now I face the mornin' and I’m cryin' on a breeze as I ride my beach cruiser down the canal and the pain is callin' because I’m really out of shape. 

Doh Mandy!

Well, you came and you gave without takin' but my Dad sent you away because your name was Mandy and one time he saw you kissing me and he wouldn’t stop shakin' you but I still I need you today. 

Doh, Mandy!

Love you forever,


Larainy Days

I Lost Three Pounds Every Time I Wore This Outfit

I would like to anthropologize for all my errant 

fashion choices over the years.

Eyjafjallajökull By Any Other Name Would Still Be One Heck of a Volcano

Jaagup Auchinleck, an impeccably dressed, well educated, thoroughly traveled businessman picks up the red phone and dials heaven

Heaven: Greetings


Jaagup: Uh, hello, so apparently English is the official language in heaven?


Heaven: Oh heavens no, but we can communicate in any language. How may I direct your call?


Jaagup: I’m calling about the volcano in Iceland.


Heaven: Eyjafjallajökull?


Jaagup: God bless you.


Heaven: He always does. No, are we talking about Eyjafjallajökull?


Jaagup: Er, yes…that one




Heaven: One moment please while I transfer you


Jaagup listens to heavenly hold music that sounds suspiciously like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir


HVD: Heavenly Volcanic Department, Cyrus speaking. How are you doing this fine morning Jaagup?


Jaagup: To speak frankly, not well.


HVD: I’m so sorry to hear that, having digestive trouble again?


Jaagup: What? How did you…?    Ahem, no. I am contacting you as the designated representative of the Euro/American Travel and Business Underwriters Group, or EATABUG and we have a complaint.


HVD: Most people on earth do seem to have complaints.


Jaagup: I have some bullet points.


HVD: Oh, we call those points of illumination up here.


Jaagup: Uh, yes, well. I’ll just enumerate the uh, points of illumination for you then.


WHEREAS:


• Busy people are wasting time in English airports and they are sick of kidney pie and bangers


• Rich people are becoming less rich because they can’t do business as usual


• Vacationers have been prevented from vacationing and tourism is in the toilet

• The sky is full of billowing black clouds that violate the Kyoto treaty


• Earth’s residents turning off lights to combat global warming and you guys up here are heating up the world with the flip of one volcanic switch


• Enough is enough




THEREFORE:


We, the dues paying members of the Euro/American Travel and Business Underwriters Group, do hereby demand that Heaven does cease and desist from the continued destructive activity caused by the volcano in Iceland.


HVD: Oh, you demand, do you?


Jaagup: Yes. This situation is untenable.


HVD: May I ask you; what have you learned from this experience?


Jaagup: That this destructive activity has got to stop.


HVD: Anything else?


Jaagup: That we are getting really mad about it.


HVD: Well Jaagup, We here in the Heavenly Volcanic Department really appreciate your input. May I suggest you report back to the Euro/American Travel and Business Underwriters Group that Heaven intends to take this valuable information under advisement.


Jaagup: Thank you. So can we expect a cessation of all volcanic activity?


HVD: I can promise you that all you people on earth will get exactly what you need.


Jaagup: But does that mean…


Click

Jaagup:  Obviously, I'm going to get a promotion out of this deal.
 

Read Me and Write Me

Dear Reader,

I know that you have been dying to critique my writing.

Today is the day!

Hop in your little internet canoe and navigate on over to  

fiction groupie 

where you will find an excerpt of my top secret current writing project.  

Tell the truth.  I can take it.

*Love you/hate you,

Larainy 

*depending on your critique

The Haircut of Low Expectations

The sight of a boy,

 hair carved in a mullet

has the effect 

of a rock in my gullet.

When mommy and daddy

gave him a tail

they'd might as well said

"Go directly to jail

Do not pass eighth grade

Do not collect learnin'

cause minimum wage

is all you'll be earnin'"

Big Rock Candy Mountain High

There is a disturbing trend that I feel is

1.  UnAmerican


2.  Undelicious


3.  Unusually harmful to the psyche


What is this trend you might ask?  Well I'll tell you.

Banning sugar from your life

Oh, you might think this is harmless, but once you quit eating delicious Hostess cupcakes, Reeses peanut butter cups, ice cream and the like, you will become so irritable and unloveable that no one will want to be around you and you may:

l.  Get divorced and lose custody of your children because you have denied them Marshmallow Maties and made them eat Bran Flakes

2.  Lose all your milkshake swiggin' friends

3.  Lose your sugar control in a violent outburst , leading to the breaking and entering of a donut shop where the police will find you lying bloated in front of an empty donut display with jelly and powdered sugar on your lips.

If the good Lord 

had wanted us to abstain from sugar

Why did He create

 The Big Rock Candy Mountain?

Oprah and Me

As most of my dear readers know

This woman

 And me (photo taken in Oprah's guest bathroom)

Are like this.

If you are an Opraphile, you already know that this woman

Kitty Kelley

has written a "tell all" book about my best friend, Oprah.  (Oprah always identifies that Gayle woman as her best friend to protect my privacy.)  Ms. Kelley repeatedly contacted me for an interview into the private world of her Oprahness, but of course, as a best friend I said no, no, no, no, and double no until Ms. Kelley offered me front row tickets to the 

Barry Manilow show in Vegas and I succumbed.  

(I am not made of stone you know)

And so dear reader, I offer you a sneak peek 

Of the interview that lead to the chapter in this book

  that is titled:  "Oprah's real Best Friend"

K.K.  (Kitty Kelley)  Thank you for finally agreeing to meet with me Laraine.

L:  Gesturing wildly  Don't call me Laraine you numbskull!  I don't want everyone to know my real name, call me my blog name, Larainy Days.

KK:  Very well Larainy Days.  Do you mind if I record this conversation on the spy recorder shaped like a cameo that is pinned between my bosoms?

LD:  What's the matter, are your hands broken?  Write it down.  I don't want to look at your bosoms the whole time.  I'm not that kind of girl.


KK:  Okay, okay.


LD:  Besides, I sound weird on tape...like I smoke cigars and have hairy legs


KK:  I understand.


LD:  How could you possibly understand, your legs are obviously lasered.


KK:  Back to Oprah.


LD:  Let me just say this.  She's not exactly who she says she is.


KK:  What do you mean?


LD:  Those eyelashes?  Fake.


KK:  Well, that's not exactly a secret.


LD:  Oh yeah?  Well how about this?  Those extra fifty pounds she's been packing?  Fake.


KK:  Why would she fake her weight gain?


LD:  Three little words Kitty; sym pa thee.  Every time she gets fat her ratings go up.


KK:  Really?


LD:  Oh yeah, and I suppose you want my theory on why that is so.


KK:  Oh, please (scribbling furiously)


LD:  It's like this.  If you're skinny, you like to watch people on TV that are fatter than you so you can think to yourself "man, I sure am glad I'm not fat like that poor girl".  If you're chubby you like to watch people on TV that are also chubby so you can think to yourself  "That plumpalicious gal is someone that would eat a Bloomin' Onion with me without telling me it contains 150 fat grams and then take me to Dairy Queen for dessert.  That there is my kinda gal."  When my best friend Oprah gains weight, she captures the entire skinny-fat demographic.


KK:  I must say, I'm impressed.  I didn't think you knew what a demographic was.


LD:  Of course I do, that's why I'm a Republican.

KK:  Can we go on to another subject?  Tell me what you know about Oprah's relationship with Stedman.

LD:  Who's that?


Dear readers, you are just going to have to read the book to get the rest of my insights which include:

• the thread count of Oprah's toilet paper
• the name of her pet unicorn (hint, it rhymes with yomama)
• her plan to buy Disneyland and implode Splash Mountain because it propogates Brer' rabbit stereotyping.

Nutrition Intuition

I have had no trouble getting 

my five servings a day 

in...

 ever since I discovered 

that lovely vegetable called 

kettlecorn

and don't forget your red vines, since 

they are basically a fruit! 

 

What I Did on My Spring Vacation

I realize that there has been a long silence on Larainydays, which in turn has left a hole in your heart, a void in your intellect, a crack in your emotional stability, and a chasm in your water cooler conversation. 

Hence my concerned, sympathetic expression in your behalf

But I am the bearer of good news, because during my absence I have obtained a boat load of wisdom that I am now going to download on your computer which will then flow into your under-utilized brain and spark out of your fingertips, making everything you touch blossom and prosper.  (Or, at a minimum, it will improve the look of your fingerprints so you will not be embarrassed if you are ever arrested.)

During my recent trip into the bowels of the Grand Canyon (located in the Grand Canyon state) I was lead by a snow white mountain goat down a dangerous rocky path to a mystical cave inhabited by a wise man. 

After offering the old one a traditional Grand Canyon gift of a postcard and trail mix without nuts (wise man has industrial strength eyebrows but zero teeth) he inclined his head toward me, indicating that 

a.  I could I asked a boon of him 

     or

b.  That he was asleep

When he awoke three hours later he looked at me with gentle surprise as if to ask "What the heck are you doing in my cave?"  As I humbly reminded him of the gift basket I had brought to exchange for his wisdom he sighed and, reaching deep within the bosom of his rough woven robe, he removed a wrinkled scrap of paper, took a lump of charcoal and wrote upon it.  He then closed his eyes once more.

 

Carefully I put the precious, wisdom laden scrap of paper in the pocket of my green cargo shorts and walked the 6.7 miles up a trail laden with mule poop infused dust to the top of the canyon.  I searched out a quiet spot on the canyon rim, removed the scrap of paper and read these transformative words.

1.  "You smell sweaty, you need to change deodorants"

2.  "To be truly righteous, the question is not paper or plastic, the  question is handwoven basket or clay pot."

3.  "High waisted pants are coming back and there is nothing you can do to stop them."

Sometimes, you need a vacation to put it all in perspective.

Dancin' granny

First I saw this

 

And suddenly I was able to dance like this

without one zumba lesson