Friday, May 6, 2011

Last Minute Mother's Day Rescue

Have you already discovered that the carwash is out of Mother's Day cards?  That's what happens to slackers who don't wash their cars and don't care about their mothers.  However, my dear reader...Larainy is here to save your family inheritance.  I have composed a variety of sweet sentiments, one of which is sure to make your mother reach for the tissue that she keeps stuffed up her sleeve.  Get out your crayons and start coloring.  It's time to create.

you were right.
I’m living in a van
down by the river.
Happy Mother’s Day…
here’s a hunk of government cheese

I think I remember
The silly times the most
Like when you pretended you were dead
To see if I knew how to call 911

Whenever I hear
crickets in the garden on a summer night
I remember the sound you made 
wearing pantyhose
when you walked down the hall
to tuck me in

I love you more than life
But you still can’t be
my Facebook friend

Thanks for naming me
It has only made me stronger
 (And I got the job in the hemp store - yea)

I beg you
Please don’t marry
The little guy with the bowtie
blue walker, hearings aids,
and industrial strength eyebrows
who sits next to you in the dining room
at Sunset Towers
He only wants you for your body

Happy Mother’s Day!

when you add an “S” to Mother
It spells smother


Holly said...

Dear Mom: Thanks for teaching me so many wonderful things over the years. Especially that potty training thing, I can't tell you how many times that's come in handy.

Anna M said...

oh my, the crickets noise recalling the pantyhose rub. I am dying.

happy Mothers Day to you, Laraine: a mother I try to emulate.

Sue said...

Such a touching tribute today.

sniff, sniff

Thank you, my friend...


Sarah said...

Crickets and government cheese, it doesn't get better than that!

just call me jo said...

What Mom wouldn't love one of those tender sentiments? You are a jewel, lady Larainy. Happy day to you too, funny lady.

Connie said...

Does Hallmark know about your talent for writing such sentiments?
You are an untapped wealth of beautiful thoughts and tender memories. The whole cricket noise...outstanding.

Abby Richardson said...

Hahaha! The last one made me laugh out loud. These are good! :)

karen said...

learly you've missed your calling... I may use one of these. I've got my crayons and markers out already. And just because I'm feeling particularly resentful towards my soon to be ex-employer, I will use company paper on company time.

Hiccup MeL said...

You are by FAR one of the funniest people on the planet. I have sent this to many people so they can get the laugh I did today. :)

laughingmom said...

I love all of these!!! How about - Dear Mom, Thanks for always answering my phone calls - Dad won't accept the collect calls from jail?!?!

Lisa Ricard Claro said...

Hilarious, as always. I loved them all. I think the same thing whenever I visit you - "I don't know what she's drinking, but I want some!" LOL

Bev said...

Simply fabulous. Thank you for the laughs.

Teachinfourth said...

Crickets! I love it...

Melynda said...

Larainy, these were just perfect to go with my coffee, of course I almost choked! Great stuff lady!