Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Rocky Mountain High Fashion

When I saw Cowboy Ralph on Oprah the other day I was amazed at how many similarities there were between his operation in Colorado and the F Bar Ranch I grew up on in Arizona.

...starting with Cowboy Ralph's sweaty hat and ugly dog.

 but minus the snow covered mountains.

Let's listen as Cowboy Ralph confers with his ranch foreman, Chuluun, a handsome but rugged Mongolian expatriate who was forced out of his family camel ranch by his evil twin brother Sukh.  He was hired because of the authenticity and natural fibers of his well worn native dress, and is learning English by watching Masterpiece Theater.

Cowboy Ralph:  Hey Chuluun, how's it going?

Chuluun:  It is not going.  It is right here talking to you.

Cowboy Ralph:  Oh...yeah, right.  Did you take move those new heifers yet?

Chuluun:  It is accomplished.  We rode astride our equines  as we drove them to the high meadow pasture in a timely manner.

Cowboy Ralph:  Chuluun, you can relax.  There's no need to speak so formally, it's not the cowboy way.

Chuluun:  Oh yes (nodding vigorously). I remember, okay for the spitting, yes?

Cowboy Ralph:  Sure.  As long as Oprah's not around.  Now did you say you moved those Angus heifers into the high meadow pasture?

Chuluun:  (Beaming)  Yes.  They are happily ensconced.

Cowboy Ralph:  (Throwing fashionably sweaty cowboy hat to the ground in anger)  Dang it Chuluun.  How many times have I told you that black Angus is a terrible look for the high meadow pasture.  There isn't enough contrast, it's outdated, it's all wrong.  

Chuluun:  Beg pardon sir.  So sorry for the mistake in the nature of outmoding.

Cowboy Ralph:  (Picking up sweaty cowboy hat, admiring dust covered exterior).  It's okay pardner.  I admit my standards are high.

Chuluun:  (Joyfully) No problem.  My heart has plentitude of happy nature now that you have offered me partnership!

Cowboy Ralph:  Hold on there son, pardner is just a way of calling you friend without the actual friendship.  Comprende?

Chuluun:  Cognition is achieved.

Cowboy Ralph:  How about my new saddle?  Do you have someone working on it?

Chuluun:  Oh yes, weathering process continues hours 24 times 7.

Cowboy Ralph:  Now, remember, I don't want any artificial wearing.  I want an actual cowboy-butt patina on that leather.  

Chuluun:  Oh yes sir, yes sir, cowboy butts are working in vigorous shifts to obtain desirably aged nature.

Cowboy Ralph:  Good, good.  If there's anything I can't abide it's new leather.  It's an abomination.

Chuluun:  (Excited)  I proud to fast becoming citizen of Obama nation.  He exceedingly famous in Mongolia.

Cowboy Ralph:  Chuluun you're a hoot.  You know that?

Chuluun:  I go now.  Lot's of work pending for Chuluun.  Proceeding now to chicken corral for antiquing of hens.

Cowboy Ralph:  Don't forget to fray the feathers!  I'll be darned if I'm going to have a bunch of unauthentic glamour hens like that city slicker Ted Turner has on his ranch.


just call me jo said...

I saw that Oprah segment. You are so astute about the "authentic" aging and patina for the cowboy Ralph. I swear that "old" jeep was made in one of his Lauren factories. "We're so common and so weathered (naturally) in our humble, vast estate." Ugh! It's a lot like ranches in Idaho too. Did you see any horse poop or weeds any where? Me neither! "frayed chicken feathers" hahaha (It's OK. Let me worry for you. I think I'm real good at it...)

Anna M said...

oh boy. ;)

I just started watching this Oprah show. It's pretty interesting; I am sure it's going to be a long-standing addition to my television-watching repertoire.

Dixie Mom said...

Ha! You pegged him perfectly.

Cheeseboy said...

Ha! I only understood about 65% of the dialog, but the entire thing made me laugh.

Marti said...

Ha ha! You totally nailed it, right down to the black angus.

karen said...

Are you all dissing Ralph's House of Style? I worked for Ralph Lauren about 10 years ago. Yes, I was a Pony Girl in a retail store, and I could tie my sweaters around my neck (or waist) with the best of them. I love his stuff, but it IS pretentious and silly. His cowboy persona always made me laugh derisively. But I loved wardrobing with those fringe trimmed leather pants, or the full length Navajo pattern knit sweaters. It was a conundrum. You were constantly making fun of it and then falling in love.

Sue said...

I saw him on Oprah. I wish everyone else who watched could read your post today.

You are one of the most amusing people ever.


Emmy said...

I misses his appearance and wish I saw it now. Too funny

Pondside said...

We have a lot of west coast 'sailor' types that are probably related to Ralph.
I didn't see the Oprah show and now I'll be driving myself nuts looking for it.

Holly said...

My heart has plentitude of happy nature after reading that. You are messed up, but you know that, right?

Lisa Ricard Claro said...

Sadly, I've never been an Oprah watcher and so missed the inspiration for your latest hilarious post. My loss, but I appreciate you providing me with a snippet. So funny.