When I saw Cowboy Ralph on Oprah the other day I was amazed at how many similarities there were between his operation in Colorado and the F Bar Ranch I grew up on in Arizona.
...starting with Cowboy Ralph's sweaty hat and ugly dog.
but minus the snow covered mountains.
Let's listen as Cowboy Ralph confers with his ranch foreman, Chuluun, a handsome but rugged Mongolian expatriate who was forced out of his family camel ranch by his evil twin brother Sukh. He was hired because of the authenticity and natural fibers of his well worn native dress, and is learning English by watching Masterpiece Theater.
Cowboy Ralph: Hey Chuluun, how's it going?
Chuluun: It is not going. It is right here talking to you.
Cowboy Ralph: Oh...yeah, right. Did you take move those new heifers yet?
Chuluun: It is accomplished. We rode astride our equines as we drove them to the high meadow pasture in a timely manner.
Cowboy Ralph: Chuluun, you can relax. There's no need to speak so formally, it's not the cowboy way.
Chuluun: Oh yes (nodding vigorously). I remember, okay for the spitting, yes?
Cowboy Ralph: Sure. As long as Oprah's not around. Now did you say you moved those Angus heifers into the high meadow pasture?
Chuluun: (Beaming) Yes. They are happily ensconced.
Cowboy Ralph: (Throwing fashionably sweaty cowboy hat to the ground in anger) Dang it Chuluun. How many times have I told you that black Angus is a terrible look for the high meadow pasture. There isn't enough contrast, it's outdated, it's all wrong.
Chuluun: Beg pardon sir. So sorry for the mistake in the nature of outmoding.
Cowboy Ralph: (Picking up sweaty cowboy hat, admiring dust covered exterior). It's okay pardner. I admit my standards are high.
Chuluun: (Joyfully) No problem. My heart has plentitude of happy nature now that you have offered me partnership!
Cowboy Ralph: Hold on there son, pardner is just a way of calling you friend without the actual friendship. Comprende?
Chuluun: Cognition is achieved.
Cowboy Ralph: How about my new saddle? Do you have someone working on it?
Chuluun: Oh yes, weathering process continues hours 24 times 7.
Cowboy Ralph: Now, remember, I don't want any artificial wearing. I want an actual cowboy-butt patina on that leather.
Chuluun: Oh yes sir, yes sir, cowboy butts are working in vigorous shifts to obtain desirably aged nature.
Cowboy Ralph: Good, good. If there's anything I can't abide it's new leather. It's an abomination.
Chuluun: (Excited) I proud to fast becoming citizen of Obama nation. He exceedingly famous in Mongolia.
Cowboy Ralph: Chuluun you're a hoot. You know that?
Chuluun: I go now. Lot's of work pending for Chuluun. Proceeding now to chicken corral for antiquing of hens.
Cowboy Ralph: Don't forget to fray the feathers! I'll be darned if I'm going to have a bunch of unauthentic glamour hens like that city slicker Ted Turner has on his ranch.
15 hours ago