Tuesday, January 18, 2011

A Little Motherly Advice

Because of my pervasive presence in the blogosphere as a trailblazing fashionality (I own several scarves), I was contacted by a plethora of horrified mothers who watched their embarrassing daughters tromp down the red carpet at the Golden Globes in outfits even a mother couldn't love

So listen up starlets...YOUR MOTHER IS TALKING TO YOU!

 Helena, if you're going to choose your gown from the dress-up trunk, 
remember, you're only allowed one outfit at a time.

Annette honey, I know you love your 23 cats, 
but quit letting them lick your head before you go out.  
You'll look better and prevent some nasty hairballs.

Tilda dear, I know you're still mad about your name, 
but you don't have to dress like your name is Tilda.  
Call yourself Tilly and buy a skirt you don't have to roll up

 Eva, mi hija, your lovely mermaid dress 
does not have to include two sardines clipped to your belt

Sondra, you know you're not only my sweetheart...
you are America's sweetheart since you got the sympathy vote 
when you dumped that no good marlot* Jess-a-bel, 
but how can you expect to check your blindside 
when you can't see past those humongous bangs?


Jennifer, how many times have I told you 
that you are seriously overestimating the storage capacity needed for your bosoms?

Heidi-girl, we're all proud that you faced your fears 
and went skydiving, but you have got to give back the parachute.  
It's only a rental.

Julieanne, what in tarnation are you doing with a tater sack on your shoulder?  
I could have sent little brother Wilbur over with some corn pone 
if you'd a just told me you had a hankerin' fer some vittles

Annie dear,  I think it was environmentally insensitive of you 
to make your father descale all those trout 
just so you could sparkle under the lights

Katie, I know you are a sentimental girl, 
but that does not excuse wearing the dress you made in 7th grade Home-Ec.  
You still don't know how to gather.

Love, Mom

all photos found here


Melynda said...

Man o mister, I shoulda went too, I dress this good! But what is up with those pink shoes and the yellow skirt? Come on, even I know the shoes should of been purple.

SherilinR said...

my favorite was your comment to jennifer love hewitt. lol!

Sarah said...

Now that was a fashion wrap up I can dig. I lol'd a lot!

Hoosier at Heart said...

Annette, Oh Annette, what were you thinking?

T├╝pbebek said...

Thanks a lot!!!!
So good Page..
NIce post

just call me jo said...

Amen, sistas! That Tilda looks positively deformed even without the unfortunate attire...

Dixie Mom said...

That was the best carpet drag critique yet! You're right...Anne looks like a trout!

Anna M said...

heidi and parachute: BWAH ha!

Is it me or did a few ladies match their dress color to their skin color (ie Tilda and Emma Stone)? awkward

Sue said...

You are definitely the Mama those girls need!


Amanda- Hip House Girl said...

You should also tell Tilda that she's not supposed to make her Popeye face.

Dawn said...


Marti said...

ROFLOL, oh yes, I needed to smirkle today. Smirk + cackle.

Laurel said...

What goes on in your mind is much more entertaining than what happens in my mind.

Pondside said...

Seriously - are you ready for the deluge of calls from agents and *gasp* stars asking for -indeed,begging for - advice on what to wear for the awards? So many could be spared the embarrassment of a faux pas if they'd just call!

Sandy aka Doris the Great said...

And not one of them as far as I could see was carrying a Kleenix or a spare quarter! They never listen!

PS - Love your blog; you made me laugh out loud ... here at work .... where I'm supposed to be working!

Emily Widdison said...

I was going to tell you which one was my favorite, but I couldn't decide!
Your motherly advice Rocks!

Su said...

I'm laughing so hard I can hardly breathe.