A Little Motherly Advice

Because of my pervasive presence in the blogosphere as a trailblazing fashionality (I own several scarves), I was contacted by a plethora of horrified mothers who watched their embarrassing daughters tromp down the red carpet at the Golden Globes in outfits even a mother couldn't love

So listen up starlets...YOUR MOTHER IS TALKING TO YOU!

 Helena, if you're going to choose your gown from the dress-up trunk, 

remember, you're only allowed one outfit at a time.

Annette honey, I know you love your 23 cats, 

but quit letting them lick your head before you go out.  

You'll look better and prevent some nasty hairballs.

Tilda dear, I know you're still mad about your name, 

but you don't have to dress like your name is Tilda.  

Call yourself Tilly and buy a skirt you don't have to roll up

 Eva, mi hija, your lovely mermaid dress 

does not have to include two sardines clipped to your belt

Sondra, you know you're not only my sweetheart...

you are America's sweetheart since you got the sympathy vote 

when you dumped that no good marlot* Jess-a-bel, 

but how can you expect to check your blindside 

when you can't see past those humongous bangs?

*Man-harlot

 

Jennifer, how many times have I told you 

that you are seriously overestimating the storage capacity needed for your bosoms?

Heidi-girl, we're all proud that you faced your fears 

and went skydiving, but you have got to give back the parachute.  

It's only a rental.

Julieanne, what in tarnation are you doing with a tater sack on your shoulder?  

I could have sent little brother Wilbur over with some corn pone 

if you'd a just told me you had a hankerin' fer some vittles

Annie dear,  I think it was environmentally insensitive of you 

to make your father descale all those trout 

just so you could sparkle under the lights

Katie, I know you are a sentimental girl, 

but that does not excuse wearing the dress you made in 7th grade Home-Ec.  

You still don't know how to gather.

Love, Mom

all photos found here