Monday, January 10, 2011

Name Your Poison

In spite of obsessive hand washing and a strict "no kissing strangers" policy, I am sick with my second virus in a month.

Hack hack, drip drip, moan moan, gripe gripe


Because I am utterly desperate, and in spite of my aversion to this disgusting green slime blob ad campaign, I just gagged down a pill called "Mucinex". shudder

I think that pharmaceutical companies everywhere need Larainy's help in naming their products.  Especially if the best they can come up with are names like; flector, valmid, quide, hiwolfia, efudex, zirgan and hivid.  

I also think it would be a swell idea to provide combosymptomatic products that could efficiently relieve more than one malady at a time. 

A few suggestions:

1.  Vertigo and indigestion - DIZZUMTUMTUM

2.  Tapeworm and deafness - PARASAMPLIFY

3.  Frostbite and cavities - HOTTFLOSS

4.  Paranoia and myopia  - ROSYLENS

5.  Diarrhea and chapped lips - PORTAPOT-O-GLOSS

6.  Rattlesnake bite and halitosis -  VENOMFRESH

7.  Migraine and eczema - BRAINBALM

8.  Flatulence and carpal tunnel - ANTIFINGERPULL HEATED GLOVES

9.  Gingivitis and dandruff - SCRUB N' SCALE: THE TOTAL NOGGIN BRUSH

What combination of maladies do you want a pill for?


Sue said...

Oh, I need this today, Laraine. Thanks!!

If humor is healing (and I believe it is), then you are a gifted healer.

And I am a grateful partaker of that balm on this Monday morning.


jen said...

A few of those are straight out of JK Rowling's line of imagination. Very clever.

Cindy said...

Thanks I needed a laugh today! I tried to think of one but I am not that clever.

MT said...

Haha. Can you come up with one for thinning hair and fingernail ridges? :)

Pondside said...

Imagine the poor hypochondriac reading this post and then imagining all those ailments!

Amanda- Hip House Girl said...

Acne and athlete's foot (not that I would need such a pill...)

ChristineMarie said...

"No kissing strangers" policies never do as much good as you think they will, which is why I've abandoned mine altogether.

I'll let you know how it goes.

bad breath said...

Try Oraltech Labs, It worked for me, although I will say it's not just do this and "bam your breath is cured" they make you change your entire mouth cleaning habits. So you end up doing it all their way. But in the end it becomes a daily habit. It covers Post Nasal Drip and Tonsil Stones as well thankfully. If you have bad breath you'll know it messes up your whole social life. And I suppose the best thing is they don't make you go out buying "special" products for the rest of your life. Just don't get it and then think you'll do what it says “now and then” because it's either all or nothing, and trust me getting rid of my room clearing faecal breath meant I was all in. Alex’s, J. USA.

karen said...

How about zits and ingrown toenails?

Holly said...

Right now, I have a stiff neck and hot flashes. You got anything for that?

The Keylors said...

Ha! Ha! My favorites are
Diarrhea and chapped lips - PORTAPOT-O-GLOSFlatulence and

You crack me up!!!