Law & Disorder

Doesn’t it make you mad that Law & Order has given up on investigating and prosecuting offenders? Apparently they quit subscribing to newspapers like the rest of you cheapskates and they no longer have any headlines to rip. 

To fill the void I once again bring you another installment of

“Small Town Police Report”

See if you can recognize the real headline.

CASE ONE
 

a. Harve Tumbley reported he thought he was being harassed by his wife and would like to talk to an officer to know what he can do to harass her back. An officer talked to him and gave him counsel.

b. Gladys Tumbley reported that when she answered her doorbell there was a fire on her front porch and when she stomped it out she discovered it was a fresh cow pie and so she completely ruined a brand new pair of Naturalizers she had just purchased at Walmart.

 c. An Officer responded to a domestic disturbance at the Tumbley barn to find two suspects involved in a massive cow pie fight. Gladys Tumbley was subdued after she attacked the officer; accusing him of telling her husband how to light cow pies on fire so innocent people will stomp them out.


CASE TWO
 

a. Nealon Norton reported his neighbor's birds were running loose and causing problems. The animal control officer spoke to the owner of the birds, Benjamin Schinke, who said he had tried in the past to pen the birds. At that time, the neighbors complained about the noise they made and asked him to let them roam free again. He said he hadn't any complaints since that time. He said he would try to keep them quiet but didn't seem to know how to keep them quiet. He said he and his guinea fowl have been there since 1970 and the neighbor is being unreasonable in his complaint. 

 b. Patricia Crosswhite registered an animal cruelty complaint, stating “It is a crying shame when dozens of beautiful guinea fowl are shut up in a wire cage with little gags in their mouths. Their wings are drooping and they won’t look you in the eye.”

c. Benjamin Schinke reported that he is angry at being ordered to shut up his birds in a cage to keep them quiet, then subsequently ordered to let them roam free by the police. Now, several guinea fowl are missing and he has been seeing his neighbor grilling suspicious guinea-like cutlets every day for two weeks


CASE THREE
 

a. Ivan Bustanza reported someone took Ritalin, Excedrin and a pair of prescription sunglasses while he was at church the previous Sunday. He only wants it documented that they were stolen.

b. Sissy Gonzalves reports that her son Fernando came home from church nursery so hyper that he hasn’t slept for two days and she can’t take it any more. She thinks that Bill and Wanda Sandstrom might have given Fernando something because he is a “challenging boy” who steals toys and bites the other children. Bill and Wanda Sandstrom deny the allegation.
 
c. Vanilla Wafers from the Sage Crossing Ward nursery tested for negative for any unusual substance.