Saturday, May 29, 2010

Mall miler of the month

Did you know that walking one mile while shopping is equal to 1.7 miles on a treadmill or 1.6 miles on a track?  I know the science of this is complicated, but try to follow me.  Gravitational forces which cause drag on the large muscles  are increased proportionately to the proximity of overpriced merchandise and empty caloric possibilities for consumption by a factor equal to the overdraft in your bank account divided by how uncomfortable your shoes are.  

Yesterday, after clocking 7.5 mall miles, I was taking a breather in a comfy leather chair right in front of the kiosk that sells beauty products from the Dead Sea.  I have never really understood this marketing concept because I thought the point of expensive beauty products was to help you look like you were never going to die, hence avoiding anything to do with death like the plague. 

Seacret employees go through rigorous training in Dead Sea boot camp in order to convince mall attendees to let them squirt lotion on their hand.  If you give in to their seductive advances, they will grasp said appendage in a vise-like manner and not let go until they ask a series of questions designed to make you feel self-conscious about the state of your lobster claws.

Whilst esconced in my comfy leather chair, I did observational research, carefully recording the results in blue pen on my Wetzel's pretzels receipt.  This is what I saw.

  • 84 subjects turn down cheerful invitations for a squirt of free dead sea lotion with a minimal nod or negative murmur

  • 66 profoundly deaf and legally blind subjects who could neither see nor hear the bubbly dead sea girl with giant hair, blue eye shadow and a black apron gesturing wildly with her lotion tube and fake smile constructed of red lip stick

  • A lesbian couple dressed in cargo shorts, polo shirts and Mormon missionary haircuts who spoke to a Dead Sea girl at great length but weren't convinced enough to pull money out of their REI fanny pack

  • 3 spoiled brats

  • Tom Selleck

Okay so I really didn't see Tom Selleck but I thought you would like an opportunity to see what he looked like when he lived in Hawaii and wore shorty pants to investigate crime.

I bet if I had seen Tom, he would have given Dead Sea girl a nod and maybe even let her rub some lotion on his manly chapped hand.


Sue said...

Thanks. I like knowing all the Seacrets!


Joanne Fox said...

Goodness - those shorts are almost indecent! (Do you have any more photos like that?)

Celeste Dana said...

Thanks Laraine. I always appreciate a picture of Tom Selleck - at any point in his life!

Debi said...

Er, um, uh, what were we saying?

Anonymous said...

I once let one of these people put eyeshadow on me. It was weird. Then I looked like I'd been punched.

Brooke said...

Love this to love the crazy mall venders. We have teeth whitening people and people who will "pluck" your eyebrows with string in ours....who would do that in front of a million people walking by??

Anonymous said...

I've been stopped by the Seacrest people before. Not gonna lie, it was some great stuff but they would NOT take no for an answer! I was stuck for at least a half an hour!! It was ridiculous. Didn't end up buying any but I did have soft hands and shinny nails by the time i left! Haha :)