You know what week it is don’t you? It’s
The Gilded week of Guilt
otherwise known as Mother's Day.
All over the fruited plain children are guiltily thinking What in the Sam Hill can I give my mother/mother-in-law for a gift this year? All over the same fruited plain, mothers are thinking I swear if someone gives me another one of those statues of the little children with enormous heads, I’m going to scream!
This is where I come in, your online resource to three free and memorable gifts that are all about guilt.
1. Make this delicious recipe for edible flower pots filled with ice cream and topped with crumbled Oreos.
Instead of a gummy worm treat inside, dig up a real earthworm and hide him in the pot. (Don’t worry, earthworms adore ice cream!) When your mother/mother-in-law digs in and finds her organic surprise, she might try to make you feel guilty for feeding her a worm. This is where you turn it around and make her feel guilty by saying, “Hey, earthworms are revered in many cultures as a valuable source of protein.”
2. Go to your favorite fine jewelry establishment; i.e.Tiffany’s, Jared’s Galleria of Fine Jewelry, or the Pioneer Pawn Shop. Now I know what you’re thinking, I don’t have the cash to buy my Mom jewelry! Plus, she already has a mood ring. Well, just calm down smarty pants. You’re not buying jewelry; you’re buying the velvet box that jewelry comes in. Wrap up that velvet box in your prettiest paper and don’t forget the bow.
As mother/mother-in-law opens the gift she will see the velvety box emblazoned with a name that means quality. Before she cracks it open she will get all misty-eyed and look tenderly at you and say Oh now what have you gone and done? This is when you stare modestly down as she opens the lid. As she stares into the void she will look at you with a question in her eyes. This is your cue to say softly, It’s a box of love! If she doesn’t express the proper appreciation, it’s time to storm out of the house shouting, Fine. I don’t care if you don’t want my love! (This is why it is best to delay gift giving until you’ve had a chance to eat dinner.)
3. If your mother has been waiting for you to produce some quality grandchildren that she can brag about, The Gilded Day of Guilt is the perfect time to make that big announcement. Buy a cute baby rattle and tie a cute vintage bow around it. As she pulls the rattle out of the tasteful gift bag, shout Surprise!
When she is able to speak through her tears and ask questions, tell her that you are adopting a child for only pennies a day and that you have become a sponsor through Save the Children.
If she gives you any grief tell her you will get her a picture for her wallet.
Note to my five children. Don’t try these at home