Monday, May 17, 2010

The Songs That Never End

Last week Sonny and Cher started hanging out in a moldy little disused corner of my cerebellum singing I Got You Babe after I accidentally ingested some bad karaoke. 


Not only did I have to put up with that whiny song, but I kept feeling Sonny’s mustache tickling my neck at odd moments. Some people call this an “ear worm” but I refuse to call it that because then I will be thinking of I Got You Babe and a worm grubbing around in my ear at the same time and I don’t think I can take it.


Because I am always looking out for your health and sanity, dear readers, and because I want to protect your brains moldy corners from invasive lyrics, I am providing you with a cautionary list of 

SONGS TO AVOID AT ALL COSTS


But here we run into a problem, because if I list these songs, just writing the titles will put the songs in your tender little mind and you will soon be pulling out all available body hair and jumping off cliffs before the day is over. So…I am going to describe the song in just enough detail for you to identify it, but 

DO NOT LET THE LYRIC INTO YOUR 
VULNERABLE NOGGIN 
OR I CANNOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE


1. This song is a query as to whom is culpable for setting the canines at liberty.


2. This song is a story about the king of the jungle and where he will slumber this evening.


3. This song is sung by hideous robotic children in ethnic costumes imprisoned in a cave inside the “Happiest Place on Earth”


4. This song is about ants striding in numeric formations


5. This song is sung by squishy purple dinosaur that walks on his hind legs and is on the “no fly list” in every major airport


6. This song is an apology from Britney Spears for a mistake she has repeated


7. This song is the union anthem sung by identical hordes of squatty candy makers in the employ of Mr. W. Wonka


8. This cyclical song is a commercial and request for food sung by cats in their own language


9. This song is about a blood pumping organ that will never fail (also associated with a doomed cruise ship that hit an iceberg)




If any of these horrible songs should leak its way inside your skull, plug your ears with your fingers and sing the Star Spangled Banner as loud as you can five times. At this point someone will probably hit you over the head with a stick and knock you unconscious. If you’re lucky, you’ll wake up with amnesia.

9 comments:

Sunshine and Shadows said...

My grown daughter put one of the purple dino's songs in my head the other day - and it wasn't the one about love - it was worse. It was about gumdrops falling from the sky. Oh the horror.

Joanne Fox said...

Oh Laraine - thanks as ever for the laughter!

Sue said...

Thanks. Once again, you have saved me from myself.

;)

Pondside said...

#9 is on my no-listen list if I can possibly escape it in time. Poor Celine - I call her 'The Wailer' for good reason.

The Bipolar Diva said...

I'm so glad you stopped by my blog, otherwise I might have never found yours.

My song was "Love Shack" on a five hour motorcycle trip.....ANNOYING!

incognito said...

Brilliant.

Sarah said...

Don't forget the one about falling down and the subsequent rising back up again, over and over. That's a terrible one to have stuck on repeat!

Ruth Donnelly said...

These are great! Don't forget the one about the desire to be a particular brand of frankfurter. :)

incognito said...

Speaking of commercial jingles, I get hooked on a diddy that expresses the concept that one is attached to a first-aid item because that item is attached to them.